10 Depressing Things That You Will Hate to Think About
83I’m depressed even thinking about writing this, so I want to get it over with as soon as possible. This hub was inspired by Lorlie6 because she was tired of me getting rated up and having people tell me I’m funny. So I’ve written something here that is totally awful and depressing. I hope this doesn’t kill my Hubscore, but oh well. If it does, I’ll just have Shadesbreath drop by and leave a three word comment. That usually shoots my score up about 10 points. He has some kind of hubbing clout and magic that I can’t figure out. But I don’t fight it. I just let it happen.
If you take more than 40 milligrams of Prozac per day, you might want to skip this one. I apologize in advance for it, but I felt like I owed it to Lorlie6 since she reads my stuff so much. Leave her a nasty-gram – not me – if you really hate it. This is all her fault, and it feels as if my fingers are typing against their will. I would much rather make you laugh.
And now, for my list of 10 very depressing things that will probably plummet my Hub score…...
1. A pile of dead kittens. This one always gets to me, and I’ve never even seen a pile of dead kittens. I love kittens. I think you would agree that a pile of dead kittens is very depressing. That’s why it’s number one on my list.
2. Realizing that your job is, in fact, the ‘dead end’ job that people are always talking about. I mean, the manager of Burger World is not leaving anytime soon, and you’re still 4th in command. You’re at least 8 years from taking the helm and the $24,500 salary that you’ll make. Because of the high depression factor in this scenario, you might consider going ahead and sticking your head in the French fryer.
3. You’re looking for a sign in the shapes of the clouds that will help you carry on one more day, and then you make out the distinct image of a cloud shaped just like a hand, flipping you off. You were hoping for a happy cloud, or at least one that wasn’t hostile. It seems that even the clouds are against you. This is awfully depressing.
4. Going to the tire store and finding out that the only tire you can afford to replace your flat one is rated lower for safety than the donut spare you had to put on your car last night when your tire went flat in the first place. You are completely broke and your car looks stupid with one baby tire. And you were supposed to take it this weekend on a date with the new, hot chick/dude from work. Very depressing.
5. You used to laugh at Cousin Eddie in the Vacation movies, but last night you were forced to make Hamburger Helper without the hamburger just like he did. Pretty damn depressing. At least you don’t have a metal plate in your head.
6. You have a metal plate in your head. Every time you get close to a radio tower or a highline wire, you get mariachi music playing full blast in your fillings. You don’t like mariachi music. This can last for hours at a time. Incredibly depressing.
7. You just noticed a really ugly person in a very expensive outfit that you would purchase for yourself if you could afford it. And then you feel like a jerk for making a judgment about someone’s physical beauty without knowing them. You are shallow and struggling coming to terms with it. Your shallowness, coupled with Mrs. Fugly wearing the Versace outfit you always wanted, is a one-two punch of depression right to the gut.
8. You were working out yesterday after a long absence from the gym, and now you’re lying in bed with the alarm going off. Problem is you can’t reach it because you’re too sore. Nor can you get out of bed, or walk. Your soreness means you are getting older. Much older. This makes you think of the brevity of life. And your funeral. Anything more depressing than thinking about your funeral? Probably not.
9. You’ve worked hard your whole life and saved your money. You’re almost ready for retirement. Your cousin called and says that he needs one of your kidneys or he’ll die. You give it to him. Or at least you thought you did. They actually accidently took out your liver. You only have one of those. Your cousin now has two livers and bad kidneys. You have two good kidneys and no liver. You’re both very depressed.
10. You have nothing better to do than waste your time reading this article about the 10 most depressing things ever. You obviously have no life. Maybe the most depressing one of all.
Well, hopefully you don’t feel like crap now. And Lorlie6, I hope you’re happy. This one really sucked.
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rgarnett - thanks for trying to put a positive spin on this. But you don't seem ready to jump off of a bridge, so maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought.
I once described my mother as "the worried individual who worries far too much about the people who worry far too much about people who worry." Now, I suddenly realize that I am much like her cause I am really worried about you...dead kittens...you jackass! WB
Wayne's right! Dead kittens. Sheesh. But anyway, Stan, I am terribly happy and love you even more-so there.
This one cracked me up so wonderfully that I've some new alphabet soup to send your way: SIMCLMAO. Hope you get it. How could you not???
Wayne - you're probably right to be worried. Let me be clear that I don't like the idea of dead kittens at all. I just couldn't think of a more depressing way to start my list.
Lorlie6 - again, sorry about the dead kittens. That WAS a little over the top I guess.
And thanks for the alphabet soup. That was an easy one. Snorting In More Cocaine Leaves Me Anxious, Obviously. Or maybe it was Sitting In My Chair Laughing My Ass Off. I'm not sure which.
BOTH! See, I knew we were meant for each other. Where's the ring, buddy?
Lorlie6- well, the store was out of rings. But they said the Cracker Jack truck is coming by later today. Do they still put rings in Cracker Jacks? You better check with MPG before we exchange rings. I'm afraid she will hurt herself.
Well, we can't have that. But hey, I might hurt myself too, THEN whatya gonna do? Dead kittens? Now dead women?
You're a cad!
Holy Crap! Now I have to go and take a extra dose of Remeron, take a long nap, then schedule an emergency appointment with my therapist for tomorrow morning to get the image of dead kittens and Cousin Eddie out of my head. That sucks because he charges $200 extra dollars per hour on weekends!
Thanks alot for ruining my 4th of July weekend! At one point, I was looking forward to it.
Nope, sorry, not buyin it. Even your depressing list is funny. And I don't even take Prozac. :)
I'm with sunflowerbucky, this was hilarious. :P At least I won't add myself to the ranks of women looking to get a cracker jack ring from ya. Though I have contemplated.
Aww, come on, rgarnett-there's strength in numbers!
One winter morning when I was a little girl I went to visit the lady who lived on a farm nearby, and found her out in the dooryard scooping up dead, frozen cats and putting them in a pile. Thought you were being funny, huh?? I think I was traumatized. And now you've reminded me...
Ok, Lorlie6, I'm in, but you must guarantee the safety of my cats!
Well, I was feeling just fine until I reached #10 and realized that I, in fact, have no life because I'm sitting here reading this depressing crap (I mean that lovingly)! Thanks for the confidence boost, Stan!
No, actually, I laughed - I don't think you have it in you to NOT be funny, nor would I want to experience that...I like your funny!
At least people will read and realize how great their life is! They will think, "Compared to that? I have it pretty damn good!"
You know what's funny is that HubPages figures out ads to put on people's articles and on this page it links to depression clinics and how to treat symptoms of depression.
Thanks, Stan. I'm going to put on some Pink Floyd and slit my wrists in the bathtub. Oh well. They're only wrists...(sigh)...
When I saw this in my "New Hubs" email, I thought "Where does Fletcher get off telling me what I want to read? Blank off, Stan."
So I read it. And immediately understood why you tried to warn me and how stupid I was not to realize that, as always, you had my best interests in mind when you selected the title. You tried to be helpful, and I blew you off, and now I regret it.
For the rest of my life, piles of dead kittens will haunt me.
Can I be the one with 2 livers? That way I could have one for drinking adult beverages and the other for....whatever livers actually do. If #9 actually took place, my cousin and I could celebrate with all the money we'd get from the massive lawsuit we'd win against that doctor. However, that pile of dead kittens wouldn't be so lucky.
So Stan - let's get this clear, what did you do this time to have another pile of dead kittens? I told you to quit putting them in the microwave.
Hey Stan, As usual, you made me laugh! No depression here - just laughs! Thanks.
6,7 and 9 really made me saaad and philosophical . Awesome sense of humour.
don't worry you're still funny and already in the hall of fame but if you really want to scare them off and make 'em depressed - change your profile picture to that of a serial killer - and if you still get followers - whatever you do - just don't answer the mail - lol lol
#11 You're not as funny as Stan Fletcher!
#12. Neither are you .....
Steve - sorry about ruining your weekend and driving up your therapy bills. I warned you at the beginning not to read it though.....
SFB - thanks for the kind words. You don't strike me as the depressed type. Always grateful when you stop by and comment.
rgarnett - I'm glad you reconsidered and have decided to join the Cracker Jack Club. All kidding aside, thanks so much for reading.
Sheila - so sorry to have churned up a painful memory. I'm surprised you read it at all, considering the title. I tried to warn you. And I didn't say anything about frozen kitties. That is indeed depressing.
Lily - thanks as always for reading. I was trying to be dark and depressing, but evidently it didn't work. I will go back to full-time funny now, unless someone like Lorlie6 challenges me again.
LifeAllStar - You have managed to find the silver lining in this piece. And at such a young age! You will go far.
Steve - yes, the banner ads cracked me up too.
BumpQ - I hope you found medical assistance and made it through the weekend. I'm not sure which of these hit close to home for you, but I have a suspicion that is was the clouds. Or maybe you work at Burger World. Or you might not have a liver. Regardless, thanks for reading and for the macabre comment.
Pcunix - I am truly sorry that you will be thinking about dead kittens for the rest of your life. I tried to warn you but you wouldn't listen.
Mega - yes, your lawsuit idea has some merit. I'm not sure that going through life without a liver is worth it, but go for it if it works for you. Thanks for reading and commenting!
KT - The microwave kitten drying method has never worked for me. I stopped at two, which was not enough for a pile of them. My cats appreciate me not using this method anymore. Thanks for your input!
Sam - as always, thanks for seeing the bright side of EVERYTHING! I really appreciate you reading me.
Oishi - Thanks so much! Great to have you stop by. Glad you liked it.
Eman - I will give some thought to your serial killer idea. As it is, I'm more of a cereal killer myself, but your idea has some merit. Thanks as always!
Bob - you're too kind. Thanks for the addition of #11. I'm glad to have you on board.
Stan- im now a follower. This is the kind of thing i wish i would have thought of to write. But if i write it now, im kind of copying you. I dont want you to think im trying to one up you or anything. Glad i saw this. Ive been exceedingly depressed and restells lately, and even though this was not good medicine, it helped me find the company that my misery was longing for. good hub, hope your score reaches the hights you want it to be.
11. You enter your aristocratic Gentleman's Club in Pall Mall, London, take a seat in a sumptuous leather armchair to read The Times and exchange a few remarks with other Lords about this year's grouse-shooting season, and suddenly notice that one of the chairs near the log fire is occupied by a soccer star with tattoos reading Asian Babes.
i have been directed over here from the forums i think i am going to like you.
Actually, Stan, it's the metal plate in my head and that damned mariachi music. The madness...the madness...
I'm going to write a nasty note to Lorlie right now for making me read about a pile of dead kittens written into your hub. I mean, the other ones were bad, but I could have given her a pass, but that was just too depressing and I am going to give her an earful of how depressed I am now.
Wow, this brought me down hard. Metal plates, no liver...my cousin's got two damn livers now...I'm about to cry and eat a turkey sandwich. I didn't know I was so depressed until I read this stuff...
Just kidding. Awesome, hilarious hub : )
Pink - I'm glad you found me and read this one. I assume you're depressed. I am too, although the meds are helping. I've always kinda' been that way. Laughter helps, and getting comments like yours helps too.
Lord - I can tell just from your avatar that I must stop by and see what kind of mischief you are up to. Strange, but great, comment. Thanks for reading....
Joy56 - thanks for coming over. If you liked this one, I think it's safe to say that you will like some of the other ones too. Glad you found me.
BumpQ - yes, that's the one I struggle with too. Is it just me, or do those songs all sound alike?
Shadesbreath - Your wrath is directed rightly. I'm bitter towards her for making me do this one. Tell her off for me too. I've got a bunch of kitten lovers sending me hate mail!
Benny - I too have found a turkey sandwich helps one get through emotional trauma. Mainly because I always take a triptophan-induced nap after I eat one. It's hard to be depressed when you're asleep. Unless you dream of a pile of dead kittens. Thanks for reading!
Now you've done it. I am thinking of my funeral along with those dead kittens. meh
Ralwus - I'm truly sorry. I'm sure you must have noted that this is all Lorlie6's fault. I would appreciate if you would send her some hate mail for me. This dead kitten thing has practically ruined my life. I would say 'thanks for reading', but since you want to kill yourself now, I'll just stop.
Update: Well after 12 hours of therapy this weekend, I was able to get over cousin Eddie, but the dead kitten thing is gonna take a while and I have to follow up weekly until cured from this tramatizing experience. In the meantime, I'm not allowed to listen to any music where the band name is a cat - ie. Def Leppard, White Lion, Josie & the Pussycats, etc. Man, this is gonna be rough!
Steve - Glad you were able to survive the weekend. 12 hours of therapy must have been pretty intense. I'm sorry to hear you have to swear off Josie and the Pussycats. I know that was one of your faves.
Here's number eleven - you think of the greatest, most hilarious comment ever to write at the end of your article, Stan, and then you discover the list of comments goes from here to BFE.
Well, screw it. I liked "hoping for a happy cloud." It sounds like a CW song title, or even a personal mantra for a person who's 4th in line for manager at Burger Kingdom or whatever.
L.T.
Itfawkes - welcome to BFE. Glad you were able to stop by. "Hoping for a Happy Cloud" would indeed make a good song title. Country would work, but it would also work as a retro flower power song. Thanks for the great comment. And a word to those who read this - check out Itfawkes page. Cool stuff.
I like your humor & sarcasm, for sure!
Donotfear - great to meet you in the forums. Glad you were able to stop by...
I must have a sick sense of humor some of this stuff is funny to me
Jasper - you sicko! How dare you think these are funny.
Just kidding. Thanks for stopping by!
The transition from No. 5 to No. 6 was, sadly, awesome.
E.A. - Thanks for noticing. That was actually one of my favorite parts too. Great minds think alike.
Dear Stan,
#1, dead kitties. I have two cats and have owned cats my whole life. Now I will have nightmares.
#3, love the idea of finding a happy cloud, and am glad to say I never found one that flipped me off. But, you may not believe me, but even after decades I still have the image of a cloud in my head that I saw as a child. I remember saying to myself, that's interesting, I'll always remember it. Amazingly, I still do. Should I come across one that flips me off, I'll come running to you for protection :)
#4, since I am currently in the market for new tires, this really dashed my enthusiasm to go buy some. I will have to seriously re-consider. Perhaps take a trip to the junkyard where I can buy donuts :)
I too had a challenge quite some time ago. It was to write the most boring hub possible. What resulted was my hub on toilet paper and paper towel cardboard cylinders. I was told I failed miserably at being boring.
Another fine hub, dear Stan :)
I was just fuming over something really depressing - my job. Then I got on hubpages and looked at the new stuff, YES! Thanks for the laugh, man!
Trish - GREAT COMMENT! almost a hub in itself.
BTW, I love kitties. I really do.
Splitty - you made my day. Really. Sometimes all that I feel like I have left is the ability to make people laugh. Glad to know you enjoyed it.
Not depressing.............. very funny! Kaie
A pile of dead kittens?!?!?! OMgoshhh that's horrible. That's actually really depressing to think about. Ugh! Reading this wasn't a good idea. :) very interesting hub though~
Suddenly I have this strange tugging sensation in the back of my mind every time I open the knife drawer. How shiny they are, they seem almost to be calling to me now. So, thank you very much for turning my sunshine inside out and ruining what I thought would be a perfect day.
BTW, as for finding out you are in a dead end job, let me just point out that ALL jobs IMO are dead end. So long as you are working for someone else you will never get farther than where your boss will let you get to...
That sounds pretty dead end to me.
From here, onward and upward my friend. Great, lousy hub. :P
Kaie - Glad you enjoyed it! I will try again to make it more depressing next time.
Wade - I TOLD YOU NOT TO READ IT! (but i'm glad you did)
Thanks for stopping by!
Spring - Thanks for the great, lousy comment! Stay away from the knife drawer. The feeling will pass.
What have you been taking (or reading) lately.. LOL I come back to catch up a little on your work and psycho-mania has taken over your mind (the kitty thingy). What is this, a competition to see who really is more depressing? Now I know where to come when I want to get pushed over the edge. You sure have a way to swing your moods 180 degrees in a flash. You are one of a kind my friend, so keep up the tormented work, I actually enjoyed it! Does that sound right or have I lost it too? LMAO..
ehern - yes, indeed, you may have lost it too. But it's really great to see you back here. Hope everything in your life is getting better!
I have to admit, these are all pretty depressing thoughts. I'm loving the cloud in the sky flipping you off, and mariachi playing in your fillings! Depressing concepts, but unless it's actually happening to you, they're freakin hilarious!
cheryl - really glad you stopped by. And glad you don't seem depressed after reading this horrible piece. It still makes my stomach turn to think about it. Thanks for reminding me.
I found out what happens to the dead kittens: http://hubpages.com/hub/Kitten-Cannon-Horrifying-a
Nicomp - You've put this depressing hub to shame. My readers will be horrified!
Stan, one of my followers was horrified and disgusted to the point that he un-followed me. I'm just the messenger.
Nicomp - eewww. Unfollowed, huh? Your integrity as a reporter of hard news is being tested. Don't cave.
Stan, here's #13 for your very funny, very clever list - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vm3d7sdMYXs
Enjoy! ~ Laura
Lalesu - LOL! That is indeed depressing and worthy of this list. Thanks for sharing!
Stumbled across this hub and loved it! It put a smile on my face. I needed that. Obviously my life isn't that bad...lol! Can't wait to read some of your other hubs. Thanks :)
TM - always glad to spread the smiles around. So glad you were able to stop by. And I really appreciate you taking the time to leave a comment.
This made me so depressed, I cried. Oops, wait, no, that was because I was laughing so hard. Based on what I'm wearing right now I don't think number 7 is a problem for me, but those darn clouds are trailing me.... Oh, and I actually know someone who has a metal plate in their head.
WBW - always great to have someone from the Valley of the Sun stop by. Sorry about the clouds following you around. Hopefully they're not all flipping you the bird.
Well, there is an antidote to all this sadness. Just read one of your other hubs and the smiles will return. Actually, if I'm going to be 100% honest, the smile never left. But I do recognize that it SHOULD have. Probably due to that vast education I have in these matters via several movies and the Id book.
Karen - you sound like a wonderful armchair psychiatrist. Given your vast training, that's not a surprise. You've got my curiosity up on the ID book. Must check that one out. Glad the smiles never left. If you can smile through a pile of dead kittens, you have nothing to worry about.
Stan, you're just as funny when you purport to be writing a "depressing" hub! Except for the first item (the pile of dead kittens),about which only an ogre would laugh, the other nine things were hilarious!
And, I have to confess, #1 didn't actually depress me because I'm not a cat person, not that I'd ever want to see a pile of dead kittens or even dwell on the idea.
On the other hand, if you'd listed a pile of dead puppies, I'd have been crying my eyes out before I found my way to the next on the list. Guess my character matches the item on the list that describes a shallow person, so perhaps I should be depressed about that.
But I simply can't be depressed when I'm still laughing.
Jaye
I can't even believe this was funny. But, of course, it was. You're a nut.
A pile of dead kittens is only depressing if you like kittens, otherwise its just funny.
cute
rgarnett Level 1 Commenter 23 months ago
On the flip side, Stan, this particular hub could brighten someone's day who doesn't have to think about things like this! :P It's the whole, you're in misery and I like to watch a train wreck sort-of scene.