7 Sure-Fire Ways to Quit Smoking Maybe
67As a former nicotine addict (twice), I would like to share some ideas that I think can help you quit smoking. I didn’t use any of these myself, mainly because I wasn’t in the right state of mind to think clearly with all that tar and nicotine floating around in my system. Cigs are hard to quit, supposedly harder than heroin, so if you’re still struggling, it’s completely understandable. These ideas may help. Although somewhat radical, at least you can’t be accused of not trying.
Here we go....
1. Take a long swim. Somewhere in the neighborhood of about two weeks. When you get back on land, your withdrawals should pretty much be over.
2. Wrap your head in duct tape. Unwrap briefly every 48 hours to eat, drink and breathe.
3. Throw away all matches and lighters. Bang two rocks together to light your smokes. You’ll get some exercise and probably not end up smoking much.
4. Store your cigs in the cat box, buried beneath the litter.
5. Tie yourself to the bumper of the car with a water ski rope. When you’re tempted to smoke, have someone tow you around the block at a quick trot as you attempt to light your fag.
6. Call your cigarettes ‘fags’. No big deal in the UK, but it will make you feel a little weird in the states. “I would sure love to have a fag between my lips right now” is something that will not go over well at the office. The looks you will get will further discourage you from smoking.
7. Turn your cigs around and smoke the filter first. If you still want a cig after smoking the entire filter, you may be beyond help.
If you’ll put these seven tips to daily use, you should be able to quit in no time. I have been looking for additional income streams, so if these work for you, would you please let me know? If they work half as good as I think they will, I might start a chain of stop-smoking clinics. I think I might call it the Fletcher Method. That has a nice ring to it. I can almost see it in my mind’s eye – dozens of people being towed around behind their cars in the parking lot trying to light their fags. I wonder what kind of permit I’ll need for that?
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My little brother could really use this article, he has quit twice and still keeps coming back.
I tried the "putting them under the cat litter" method.
Now I have got a cat that smokes. I have to fight her over the ciggies.
Thanks for a very funny hub, that made me laugh so much I need a cigarette to recover my cool.
Truckstop Sally - Do you own a truckstop? Maybe we could start it there. You must have a big parking lot for people to run around in...
Draven - you may have to take matters into your own hands if you really want him to quit. When he's not looking, tie him to the bumper of your car. Just when he's getting ready to light up, peel out of the driveway and yell, "This is for your own good, bro!"
Christopher - I hadn't thought of the kittie getting addicted. Hmmmm. That just leaves 6 sure-fire maybe ways. But that should be enough. Thanks as always for reading. Hope you're over your cold.
i was just trying to picture 35 drunks in a bar banging thier flint rocks together to light a backward fag,... thanks,... i needed that on a monday!
Stan - The Fletcher Method sounds very promising. I don't know if you would need a permit but you would need a note from your psychiatrist stating you are of sound mind. For a very small fee, I would be happy to fabricate one for you.
BTW, this was FUNNY!!!
Happy Valentine's Day.
jack - I love the way you just strung that sentence together. Funny stuff! I appreciate you reading as always.
DRBJ - you would do that for me? How small is the fee?
Thanks for reading as always, and HVD right back at you, although the VD part doesn't sound right.
You have a problem with VD??? VooDoo???
Oh GOD, Stan! I've already tried all your 7 suggestions and am still puffing away. I'm a lost cause.
Thanks, though, for putting my picture up there-I'm looking pretty good for 100+, huh?
Lorlie - you even tried #7? That works for most people......And you DO look good for 100! :)
It's all in the mind people. And your mind is under your control. It's not easy. If you want to quit it however. You are the Alpha and the omega when it comes to this. Experts if you try them....Will help you. They wont quit it though for you. This is something that you need to do.
Hi Stan,
A great hub and as usual full of your unique humour loved it!!!
Myself and my partner gave up on Dec 4th '10.
I was by this time virtually chainsmoking and with the aid of nicoteine patches and the weekly attendance of a support group.
I know that I will never taste one drag of a fag again because that's all it woulkd take and I don't think anyone can carry on chain smoking without damaging your health in one way or another.
Thanks for sharing this one Stan.
Take care,
Eiddwen.
I used to be a chain smoker, but it was really hard to light the darn thing.
Seriously, I quit by using the under the kitty litter method. Works great to break the habit!
There has to be something sad about me... A Hub by Stan Fletcher on a serious subject... This I have to read...
Yeah Right ! You'd think I'd know better.
You might add that Nicotine Flavoured chewing Gum tastes disgusting and just makes your face ache... and smoking those stooopid patches tastes worse than the filter tip end !
Great Hub !!
8. Just don't put it up to your lips! ;->
I know, - I started and stopped during the same hour at age 12. So what do I know?
ps - but I hope to make it to 100 looking a little better than your model for the hub!
Stan,
Excellent Hub. I am a non smoker, but have been rooting around in the kittie litter looking for something to smoke. It was not a success. I will never get a kiss ever again from anyone, so, you know, thanks for that.
C
Dave - although this was obviously (supposed to be) a humorous piece, I agree with you.
Eiddwen - Congrats! And you quit on my brother's birthday. He will be proud. If you have an addictive personality, like me, it's always great to dive into a healthy hobby, or something else that you enjoy. I took up running and it changed my life. Really glad you quit, although I'm disappointed that you didn't use the Fletcher Method.
Austin - Thanks for using the Fletcher Method. Would you be willing to do a testimonial on my first TV ad? I'll even bring my own cat box to demonstrate. All you have to do is show up.
Merlin - I'm bummed that I didn't think of the 'smoking the patches' joke. That's a good one. Your clue that this wasn't serious was in the title. I put "sure-fire" and "maybe" in there together. Too subtle? Perhaps.
Thanks for reading and for adding your input to the Fletcher Method. I will give you credit on the brochures at the clinic.
Nellie - Your non-smoking tip makes the most sense of all, but for some reason is completely ineffective. However, there is much wisdom in it because at the end of the day, not putting it to your lips is what it's all about.
And you will look 1000X better at 100. The simple fact that you won't be lighting a cig with your birthday candles is a huge bonus. Your natural looks and class will take you the rest of the way.
Chris - A word of warning - stay away from the small cigars!
aw shucks - thank you -( and - whoohoo - the fishing worked ….. hehe )
Seriously though - health habits are what it's about. It may seem boring in the doing, but it pays off in the end. Glad I got the smoking and drinking settled at 12. I did learn to drink finally in my 40s but not detrimentally. If I can encourage young whippersnappers like you to take care of your gorgeous bods, I will! I must!
Nellie - So are you a proponent of the 'one glass of wine a day' health philosophy?
And as an aside - no one would smoke if you fell over dead after one puff. Nor would we eat Big Macs, or donuts. Or a lot of other things that are a part of the American diet.
How do you even light cigarettes in Seattle? Isn't everything wet? So another great idea would be to leave your fags outside in the rain before trying to light them.
Oh lord, if I'm the one starring in a commercial, you'll go broke! I could maybe be in an anti-donut commercial as in the "after" photo. Please write a hub about the sure fire way to lose tonnage!
Austin - storing your fags in the rain is another good idea. Nothing worse than a soaking wet fag.
Most of the above tips work for donuts too. Just have Bob tie you to the car bumper and take you for a spin while you're trying to eat a donut. I'm sure it would cut your cravings at least in half.
oh god, i hope bob doesn't read this. He's just that sick enough to really do that!
GO BOB!!!!!
I hope he films it so we can all watch in on Youtube.
Actually, no, Stan. More like a glass of wine with Birthday or New Year's toasts - that sort of occasion,- though I have done one a day at times. Fact is, alcohol dries the skin, though, & there's not a lot of mileage in that if one is shooting for the still-sexy-at-100th birthday. Big Macs & donuts aren't a part of that plan either. Is this anti-American?
Anti-American in the sense that you're going against the grain, and that you won't die fat and filled with chemicals...
You would rather have us die being drug around from the back of a truck?
I'd rather try the cat food diet. It worked for cigarettes.
NO dragging by trucks!! NOPE! Cat food sounds rather extreme, too. At least, it would be your own choice. But again - just don't put it up to one's lips - donut or cir. ;-> Think: 'in one moment this is going to be over. I can wait a moment and be in the same place I'd be if I ate it, but without it going down & starting its journey through my body.' Donuts are consumed even quicker than cigarettes, I suppose, and a lot quicker than being truck-dragged! Meantime, you're beautiful as you are. It's a health thing. Let the truck lover kiss that doggone truck while you enjoy the catfood or the retrieved moment of neither. Call it your way.
Austin - I'm not talking about dragging you on the ground. I'm talking about a quick trot. Just to get the heart rate up a little. It's hard to breathe hard and eat at the same time.
Have you seen Bob's foot? Even if he just touches that 14EEEE to the pedal, I'll be doing 30!
I'm doomed to be fat. I used to be an athlete (swimming), but out of the water I run about as well as a lead pipe swims. Trotting is for horses. All I can hope for is a magic pill, or for when the new Schlitterbahn opens in 2012! It's only 20 miles away and a season pass will see me in the wave pool on a daily basis. If only I had a wave pool in my back yard!
Donuts taste lousy soaked in water!!!!
Stan - forgive my sensitivity. I had no weight problem, but as soon as we were married, my mean first husband threatened to do that truck thing if I ever put on any.
Austin -hahaha - You're too funny, gal. I really like your new profile picture, by the way. That's awesome that ya'll are getting Schlitterbahn there. - Have you been to the one in New Braunfels? I'm wondering - is this new one to be in Round Rock? My step granddaughters live in Pflugerville near RR. Will be fun and swimming is such great exercise.
Schlitterbahn is actually going in Cedar Park on RM 1431 and Parmer Lane. It's not too far from Round Rock. Phase one is supposed to open in 2012, but there doesn't seem to be any construction going on yet.
Yep, I've been to New Braunfels many times and love it. Wish I had moved there instead of the hill country. But it is nice and quiet out here which is what Bob loves and I have learned to love.
Austin - with a 14EEEE I would think he would be a great swimmer. And one of my best friends up here is from New Braunfels.
Nellie - consider your sensitivity forgiven.
I wish I would have seen these methods before I quit smoking last year. They are way better than the self-water-boarding method I used. The most difficult part was the self-resuscitation. I keep thinking that it would have been better if only I'd had a fag handy.
Woe is me! I had hoped this hub would inspire me to try to quit, but I am not inspired! I also managed to quit once upon a time because my neurosurgeon said I had to give up nicotine (that meant cold turkey, no patch, no gum) and I succeeded for six LONG months! Then we had a hurricane and I lost power. I visited my neighbors who had a screened porch. Both were chain smokers. I bummed a cigarette and was hooked again.
Great humor, as always!
333 - So glad you were able to kiss the fags goodbye. I've wanted to waterboard myself just for the heck of it to see what all the commotion is about. You should write a hub on your experience. Thanks for reading as always!
M89 - sorry to offer so little hope here. As you know, it's all a mental game no matter how you do it. Very, very difficult to do, but so worth it. I'm not preaching though. You'll quit when you're ready.
Kethy - Thanks for your comment. Tell everyone in India that I said 'hello'. The main disadvantage to cigarette smoking is death, but I will give your idea some thought.
Stan, I'm a non smoker but after reading this, I think I'm going to light up my first cigarette!
Dear Lord am rolling on the floor with laughter... Nice one Stan xx
Jasmine - O no! This hub has had the opposite effect on you than I intended. If you do find yourself hooked on them, you know where to come to kick the habit. Thanks for reading!
Have you thought about making it a habit that every time you smoke, you put it out on your tongue? Retht athured it will wohk velly kwikwie.
Alexander - That is brilliant actually. Do you need a job? You sound like a perfect fit once I get these clinics up and running.....
They thay I'm a perflect wole model, tho yeth!
Alexander - you're burned-tongue writing skills are top notch....
Ok....well, your damn Fletcher Method DOES NOT WORK.... now what? I don't see any clinics around HERE!!!
Gimme a break!!!
Truckstop Sally Level 5 Commenter 15 months ago
Lordy! This is funny! The Fletcher Method sounds like a plan. Let me know if you need a partner!