Dear Lottery Winner
90First of all, congratulations. You’ve done what millions of people have hoped to do and what few have ever done. You won the lottery and became an overnight millionaire. You went from wondering how you’re going to pay your electric bill to deciding which Ferrari you’re going to buy. You’ve graduated from one-ply toilet paper to a bidet. From macaroni and cheese to your own private chef.
But there’s something that you need to know, and before I tell you what it is, I want you to know that I already have a solution to your problem.
I don’t know how to say this gingerly, so I will just blurt it out. You’re going to lose all your money. There, I said it. The reason you’re going to lose it all is that you didn’t earn it, and because you didn’t earn it, you’re not going to know how to take care of it. All of the living relatives that you have on this earth are going to hit you up for money, and because you feel guilty that you didn’t earn it, you will give it to them. You’re third cousin, twice removed, will convince you that investing a million dollars in a worm farm is not as ridiculous as it sounds at first. There are an awful lot of fishermen out there, and what fisherman doesn’t need worms? This will be the first million that you lose in one big chunk.
Your Aunt Louise needs radical corn removal surgery and hasn’t been able to pay for it. Until now. Your first cousin Bob has $50,000 in gambling debt that he can’t repay, and you can keep him from getting his knee caps broken. You gladly do this. And you loan him another $50,000 to launch him into the upper echelons of Amway.
Your sister always felt that deep down, she was a man. So you help Freida become Fred and that’s another cool $150,000 or so. This goes on and on. And not only is your family after you, but you’re being constantly pushed by your new investor friends to invest in the latest ‘big thing’. The big thing will turn out to be their big commissions.
Do I have your attention? Good. But there’s a way out of this. Give the money to me.
I will be able to hold onto it, because instead of winning it from gambling, I will have received it as a gift from a very nice person – you. I have never squandered a gift. The money would now be clean and untainted from its sordid source. It’s a gift given with a pure heart to someone who really needs it. I would do all kinds of wonderful things with it, including putting half of it in an IRA in your name. So you really haven’t given me all your money. You get to keep half and retire in style. In the meantime, you won’t have all those people pestering you about money, because you can honestly look them in the eye and say, “I gave it all away”. They won’t like that of course, but eventually they will grow in their understanding of what a cool person you really are. They will call you Mr. Benevolent – the most giving person they know.
If you think this is a good plan, and I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t, simply respond in the comments section so that we can begin to figure out the best way to transfer the money into my account. I know you’re probably a little emotional right now, but it’s OK. I’m glad to help you. You probably didn’t think there were still people like me left in the world – someone who is concerned about YOUR interests and not my own. I can understand that. There aren’t a lot of people out there who would be willing to take this burden on.
You will feel so much better about yourself, and all of your present headaches will be gone. You’ll still be rich, but without all the hassles.
I wasn’t sure if I was going to post this. Frankly, I didn’t know if I was up to it or not. But I’ve decided that this is something I’m willing to do.
I look forward to hearing from you.
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Rochelle - I would be happy to help you out. It's just what I do.
OK-- though most of them need your bank account, and social security numbers plus a small deposit for "processing" and verification. I'll let you do that part, just give them your information.
I feel very close to you these days. Oh, and the transmission in my Yugo is failing. Can you help a brotha out?
lol.....add my name to your list
Rochelle - I have already been in some correspondence with some folks in Nigeria. I can't believe how helpful they are.
Nicomp - when the first lottery winner takes me up on this swell idea, we'll get that Yugo running like new!
loveofnight - are you a lottery winner? If so, please respond with a private message with your account and routing number. I will take care of the rest. Isn't it great to have someone in your corner?
Stan the man is at it again, please don't ever stop daydreaming, please share whatever kind of recreational weed your wiffing.I knew a man once who gave it all away, made a lot of other people rich and happy with their lives, he is still on the streets of somewhereville. I would tend to agree with you Stan, there should be a lottery tracker who keeps a record of all those winners who lost it all..it would be interesting to know...I bet more losers than winners. Fun post enjoyed your sense of humor as always.
Thanks Saddle - I always enjoy your comments. And it's a fact that most lottery winners lose it all. Not sure what the exact stats are though. I think you would agree that I've come up with the perfect solution to their woes.
Beautiful! A plan that is very well thought out and quite easily executed! BRAVO!!!
Yo Quint, er, Demon Dog, Glad you liked it...
Count me in...of course I will need your personal bank account and routing numbers to cover the transaction. Cha-Ching!
We need a man like you in Washington. Oh, I forgot, they're all like you in Washingron.
Sheila that was brilliant...I always wondered what the b. stood for. =:)
Stan we cut out the middleman...instead of buying lottery tickets, everyone in the country just sends you a dollar and you can set up fifty cent IRA's for all of us. That still leaves you about a gagillion dollars for your philanthropy.
Another classic hub Stan
This sounds like one of those letters I used to get from Nigeria. All the poor guy needed was a little help. Be careful what you wish for. So many lottery winners have been swindled or murdered that winning can be a real liability. Having said that, if someone out there responds to your kind and generous offer, I am quite willing to help you manage the money!
Wayne - Keep your grubby little fingers away from my benevolence. I'm trying to help those less fortunate than us.
Sheila - good observation. I'm going to use some of the money to run for office. Once I help this poor lottery winner, I'll have a much better idea how to help the rest of you. Fletcher in 2010!
Winsome - I like your idea, but the main focus of this effort is to help just one unfortunate soul before I branch out and help everybody. But go ahead and send me your dollar. There will be management fees on your 50 cent investment, but it's still a wise move on your part.
Billy - by classic, you must mean benevolent, kind, and standing up for the little guy. I'm sure that's what you meant, and I am deeply humbled by your compliment. My eyes are starting to tear a little.
Bpop - I will need some help managing this thing. I'll start you out at $10 an hour, well above minimum wage. Send me your social security number, full name, and address so that I can start processing your employee paperwork.
LOL! Great stuff. You're actually a huge step ahead of us, creating an entertaing proposal for any lotto winner to respond to. Very smart ;)
I just WON! Yes, the LOTTERY - no kidding! and found this hub. Send your bankaccount details so I can transfer the money into your account...hee hee
Seems like a good plan Stan, and you are correct. Most lottery winners don't keep their winnings long.
Namaste.
I would greatly appreciate if you would accept my two thousand KRONUR which i won in the national lottery of Iceland. Mega MULTI DRAW, winner, first place. Surely my Kronurs are little dusty from the volcano "EYJAFJALLAJOKULL" but of high quality anyway.
Thanks very much Mr. Fletcher your honesty is felt across the atlantic ocean.
(p.s. there are approx.: 124 Kronurs in one Us dollar)
Let me know if you get any takers.
Ha, Ha...excellent article. Be sure to let the rest of us know if this works. I know I would be a trusted soul to handle anyone's lottery winnings.
My dear, you've done it again! You've mixed common sense, kindness, & humour all together for our benefit.
After a long day of writing, your humour is a welcome "Happy Hour" starter!
You know, I do hope that your lottery winning fellow contacts you. That would be the cherry on the cake!
Warm regards...C.E. Grant
Sounds like a plan. Unfortunately, my 3 daughters
who all need $ for college, etc. would probably
never speak to me again if I gave away all my
new-found wealth. Oh, right, and they're all
going to want cars to drive too. Oh, and then
there's my $30,000 of debt I should wipe out
first I guess. And, my parent's who are 85 and
87 and both still working because they have to,
in order to live - maybe I should give them a
little so they don't work themselves to death,
eh? But, maybe after I've handled all that, I
don't need much. So, I'll keep you kind offer
in mind.
cheryl - yes, I'm way ahead of you. And I've not received a single response....yet. I'm thinking the toothless guy that just won in Mississippi will be calling any day now....
psychic - you had my heart beating really fast there for a minute. Let me know when you really DO win. I can help you.
Deb - you are correct. They need help, which is where I come in...
Hall Door - send me your Kronur immediately before you spend it all on beer and loose women.
Michael - thanks for reading. You sound like a kind and caring person like myself. Not many of us left.
C.E. - thanks so much for stopping by! Glad to be someone's happy hour starter. I think I might put that title on my business cards.
Zap - I'm just here to help. When you work out all of your financial details, just send me the rest. It's for your own good. I'm sure you understand that.
Dear Mr. Stan,
I need the address to send my 2000 KRONURS to, you will have to pay the postage as it costs around 3000 KRONURS to shipe my coins (200000 units)TO America. Please invest visely or I can sell advice (4000 KRONURS per hour, minimum 4 hours). Regards annnnd thanks again for your honesty
Thanks yHall Door, is there something wrong with your keyboard? Or is there something wrong with you....
Someone won the lottery from Mississipppi?? I need to locate him fast and inform him of your offer before it's to late. Of course, I would be more than willing to hold his money for awhile. I love to help people too!
So funny Stan! Please keep writing so I can keep laughing!
RLS - ooops, I thought I had responded to this. Yes, it's true, but he has no teeth. Maybe he'll get some new ones now. If you get in touch with him for me, I'll split half the money with you....
Sam - there you are again, you super-nice person you. I will do my best. Don't want you to stop laughing.
I am new to HubPages and found you HubHopping! I love your work! Very amusing indeed - keep doing it!!!
caramluda - It's great to have you stop by. I am glad to know I was found through Hubhopping. I've found a lot of interesting stuff that way. Good luck in your hubbing career. I will check out your stuff soon.
Hi Stan. I just won six trillion dollars in the Zimbabwean Lottery. With inflation here at 30,000% that is worth six cents american money. If you can send me six supertankers to carry it I will gladly give it to you to invest. Sorry inflation has risen to 60,000% since I started typing this. You need to send me eight supertankers now.
Christopher - as tempting as your offer is, all of my supertankers have been secretly commandeered by the Obama administration to suck up oil in the Gulf. Don't tell anyone. It's supposed to be a secret.
Mum's the word.
Christopher - ha! Don't hold out on us man. You can eleviate much guilt and lots of problems by heeding my advice. Send me an email, and I'll give you the address where you can send the money. Do the right thing. I'm just grateful I can help.
LOL, I will bookmark this page so I know whom to contact after I win the PCH Clearing House Sweepstakes, or do you only provide services to Lottery Winners? If only lottery winners, well I am sorry to say, I already have someone ripping me off, err, I mean an accountant :)
Whikat - Great you stopped by. I do all of the above. Lottery, Publishers, or even inheritances. A lot of wealthy old people know that money is going to ruin the kids. When I offer to manage most of it, they're elated.
When you win something, let me know.
This is soooooooooooooooo bookmarked! For the next rough money day when I need a chuckle! Thanks for sharing your humour, Mr. Fletcher!
Myth - thanks so much. Truly means a lot coming from you.
Hi Stan, I followed you when I saw a Hubber Pal was following you and she usually is a pretty good judge of character (with a penchant for the insanely handsome). But then when reviewing your most intriguing and extensive list of hubs, looking for something I could relate to, I chose this one because I have a friend with a bad lottery addiction and I guess I was looking for some insight to that mindset. But what you've given me is even more valuable...now I know what to do when he finally hits big!! Your clever bio really tells the truth, you are quite talented. I look forward to adventuring further.
Eco - thanks for the comment and the kind words. It's good to have you on board. And I'm glad to contribute to your friend's best interests if they do happen to win.
lol, very funny hub, I enjoyed reading it ^-^
Misery - thanks a lot.
This and the comments that followed had me laughing to the point of throat duress. Really excellent.
Dasamerman - coming from a fine humorist like yourself, that is high praise indeed.
Great Hub Stan,
I would have given you my lottery winnings if I had just read this sooner. The problem is I already squandered it all. Sorry!
Stan, I just might need your services soon! I'm sooooo psyched! According to Publishers Clearing House, I might already be a winner! Can you believe it??
John - it's not uncommon for people to win twice, or even three times. Now you know what to do next time you win! Thanks for visiting.
habee - you had my heart rate up for a minute there. Unfortunately, and I hate to break this to you, they tell everyone that. If you do win, contact me asap.
Hi, I, Um, won 40 pounds the other night on the lottery! do you want that? I can send you a tenner down the line, so you can keep it for me in an emergency! Okay? sorted then! hee hee loving these hubs, how come I missed them before? cheers nell
Nell - thanks for reading, and for loving. I'm afraid your offer is far below the minimum for my program. I only work with folks who have won a million pounds or more. Keep playing though. You know how to reach me. I would be thrilled to help you.
Hi, Stan....How about this toothless guy in Mississippi who won the lottery? I live in Mississippi, and we don't have a lottery! He must have bought a ticket in Louisiana and got lucky (or unlucky, according to you). I should be so unlucky! Don't worry. If I ever win anything big, I have a large enough family and many friends who will help me take care of it all.
By the way, I was glad to read that the guy with the cool Dali moustache laughed to the point of "throat duress." I was afraid I was the only reader afflicted with that ailment from reading your hysterically funny writing. JAYE
Jaye - thanks so much for the fine compliment. I could have sworn I saw a guy from Mississippi win a ton of money from the lottery. Maybe Powerball? I'll find the story for you.
Stan- If only I had read this a few months ago when I won a cazillion dollars. I spent most of it on Lysol to ward off all of the germs from the masses wanting their piece of my unearned pie.
I threw my last billion off of the Empire State building. Talk about a good time!
I found the guy in Mississippi who won the Louisiana lottery :
http://arklatexhomepage.com/fulltext?nxd_id=138476
We lottery winners are like magnets to each other. Of course, I think he still has his.
Idiot.
333 - my heart is broken - for me and for you. Had you given me your money we would both be filthy stinking rich. Remember that next time you win.
Greetings from your new best friend in need - hint hint
Arthur - good to 'meet' you today over at your hub. I have some questions for you about some of the stuff you've written, so don't be surprised if you see an email from me. Thanks for stopping by!
No probs, Stan. I look forward to hearing from you. Cheers.
Thanks Arthur....
HERE I AM!
I'm heading towards the cellar, haven't made it there yet, it's kinda dark, but I am not afraid. I think it will take me awhile to get there. I'm actually gonna get some sleep for now i.e., after I go buy some lottery tickets. Voted UP and funny and all that! ta ta
Sharyn - I gave up sleep. I'm spending a good 18 hours a day responding to comments.
wow cool hub found it a great read
Jamiecoins - really glad you stopped by. Thank you. Now, send me your checking account and routing numbers.
ha ha, having a boyfriend his dream is to win the lottery some day, I will know to contact you just in case! lol although he's dutch and probably won't share! lol
Hattie - please, if he wins, show him this post so that he will know how much I want to HELP him. This is all about "What can I do to better mankind?" Purely selfless on my part.
ha ha will do! He will get a good dutch laugh! Can't promise you nothing! lol
At least we will have warned him...
You know how you keep the lottery money? Put it in a locked bank account (after you paid your practical bills) that cannot be opened by anyone for at least five years, then, when the five years are up, it would have collected interest, then pay your bills again. Live life as if you don't have that money and use it only when you are in a bind. I have actually written an entire essay on this because a high school teacher asked us what we would do. At first, I wrote about the charities and etc. Then, I realized all I would have to do is put it into percentages. 15% to charities. 5% to wanted/not really needed items like new work pants or an upgrade for the laptop so it wouldn't delete files randomly. Then so on and so forth. The trick to keeping lottery money is to live life like you always have, but with a safety net incase you can't come up with rent.
Great hub.
Phoebe - If I win the lottery, I'm calling you. :)
Why is it that this really is what happens? I think you hit the nail on the head when you pointed out the 'not earning it' part. I know I'm more then fashionably late for the party, just saying! Very funny as always:)
Thanks.
Great article Stan which is well shared.so happy for you.
Sorry Stan, but all my winnings are invested now in finding a cure for Compulsive Bubblewrap Popping Syndrome ;(
Sadly, you're probably right. Great article.
cool hub!! I wish and pray that you win a lottery soon and give all(oops!! half of it) the money to me!!!! good luck to you and I will be eagerly praying and waiting for a nice man to give his lottery earnings to me for I have no qualms in carrying that burden!!! :))
Valid points in this hub! Common sense should be mandatory for any or all lottery winners. Good luck to all playas! :)
I AM A SINGLE MOTHER WHO NEEDS MONEY FOR FOOD AND RENT CAN YOU HELP ME?
Rochelle Frank 2 years ago
I haven't followed up on all the lottery and inheritance notifications I have received in the past-- but I will happily forward the information to you next time it happens.