Great Farts Down Through History: Fart 2

We continue our fart knowledge procurement today as we look at more great farts down through history. Each of these, in their own way, were farts heard ‘round the world. Not literally of course, although that would be really cool. I’ve often wondered what would happen if all 6 billion of us farted at the same time. I’m guessing that would be known as a Fartacolypse, and may very well cause the ceasing of all life on planet Earth. At the very least it would damage the ozone layer and cause lots of severe sunburns. The chances of that happening without being orchestrated are slim to none though, and for that fact I’m grateful.

Without further adoodoo, let's proceed.

Most of you aren’t aware of a fart that saved Benjamin Franklin’s life. When Benjamin “Tight Cheeks” Franklin was flying his kite, doing research on electricity, he was nearly killed by a blast of lightning that coursed down his kite string and ‘lit up’ the key that he had hanging there. He was so shocked by the sight that he involuntary squeezed off a squeaker. They didn’t call him Tight Cheeks for nothing. The ions in the methane from his fateful fart created a negative charge, which neutralized the effect of the lightning. Had he not farted, he would have been known as Benjamin “Crispy Critter” Franklin. This fart allowed us a greater understanding of the power of electricity and gave us the ability to run our Cuisinarts without being killed. I feel a lump in my throat from sheer gratitude. Gratitoot, you might say.

Let’s jump back a couple of centuries to William Wallace, who was made famous by Mel Gibson in the movie Braveheart. Bravefart would have been a better title. At the end of his life, as he continued to fight against the tyranny of England, he let fly with a fart that was pivotal in inspiring his men to win a major battle. As he yelled, “Freedom!” he realized that he had passed the threshold and couldn’t hold back a fart that was begging for escape after the previous night’s mutton stew. He granted this particular fart freedom, as was his custom, and the smell was so odiferous that his men, in an attempt to get away from it, began to run for their lives, yelling like banshees. The opposing army thought that they were charging and began to retreat. Wallace’s men easily overtook them, and the battle was won. And all because of a bowl of mutton stew and Wallace’s deeply held belief in fart emancipation. Never underestimate the power of a well-timed fart, particularly a mutton-powered one.

Let’s jump back ahead in time to two of my favorite famous farters – Lewis and Clark. (By the way, did you know that Microsoft Word doesn’t acknowledge the word ‘farters’ as a real word? Bill Gates must be constipated.)

As you know, Lewis and Clark were looking for a way to the Pacific Ocean, and no one at that time knew how far it was across the continent. They were hoping it wasn’t too far from St. Louis, as they only had enough provisions to go a short distance. When they ran out of food, they came up with a clever ploy to get food from the natives. They put on clothing made from various animal skins, painted their faces, and did what became to be known as a Fart Dance in the chief’s teepee. To the sound of beating drums, Lewis and Clark would take turns farting in the chief’s face, convincing him that they had god-like powers. They would then threaten to continue the Fart Dance if they tribe didn’t hand over food and other supplies. Without the Fart Dance, they would never have reached the Pacific. I’ve done my part to remember Lewis and Clark by recreating the Fart Dance in my living room every Thanksgiving. This is something you’re going to want to try. The kids love it. Can’t wait to have grandkids.

And for today’s fourth famous farter, I’ll go back in the anals (sic) of history to one of my personal faves – Cleopatra. Cleopootra is what she was known as by the peoples of ancient Egypt. She was the last Pharaoh of Egypt and became Julius Caesar’s wife, even though she was already married to her brothers, which is creepy. Cleopootra invented the Caesar salad and named it after her husband. She also invented the Orange Julius. After a heavy diet of garlic-rich Caesar salads and copious amounts of Orange Julius’s, she was known to release some of the vilest farts in Egypt. The elaborate size and shape of the pyramids were originally designed to contain these farts, but even the huge pyramids weren’t adequate for the task.

Julius once told her, “If you don’t stop farting, I’m going to put you in a sarcophagus.”

“Women don’t fart, Julius. They toot.”

Since she uttered these words, women have borrowed them down through the eons as a way to try to minimize their flatulence. Julius wasn’t fooled then, and men aren’t fooled now. A fart is a fart. Own up to it, ladies.

After one particularly nasty fart, Caesar bribed Cleopootra into never farting again by promising to open a chain of pizza places to which he would give her full ownership. This is the origins of Little Caesar’s pizza. Unfortunately, her own pizza gave her bad gas, even worse than the Caesar salad/Orange Julius combination, and Julius was forced to stab her with a fork, ending Cleopootra’s reign.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this installment of Great Farts Down Through History.

There are lots more farts to come.

Stay tuned.