I'm Going to Have to Kill You
63I didn’t want to do this, but you’ve forced me to, and it's your fault. I’m sure I’ll spend the rest of my life in prison, because your murder is obviously premeditated. I’m meditating on it right now as I type.
You seemed OK at first. You would show up and read some of my stuff, occasionally leaving a comment or two. I did my best to comment back and thank you for thanking me. If you responded to my thank you, I did my best to thank you for thanking me for my thank you that you thanked me for. If you responded to that, well, you know. Suffice it to say that there was a lot of thanking going on, and it was good.
But then you started to make fewer and fewer appearances. Sure, there were some new people who dropped by, but I didn’t have a long-standing relationship with them like I have with you. I tried to act excited and grateful for them showing up, but it just wasn’t the same. Who are these people anyway? One of them had 4 followers and 0 hubs. How did that happen? One of the mysteries of the Hubosphere I guess. Don’t get me wrong. I love new followers, but I really miss your input.
I’ve thought of a lot of different remedies to this situation. I was going to drop you a line and ask you where you’ve been, but that seems pushy and desperate. I thought about commenting on more of your hubs, but again, that seems like I’m trying to suck up too much. I’m sure that’s something you would have seen right through, being that you are, in my opinion, quite intelligent.
I’ll cut right to the chase. I’m mainly upset that you haven’t read my Harry Manboobs series. You haven’t even read a single one of them. Maybe you’re self-conscious about your own manboobs, I don’t know. Let me make it perfectly clear that I don’t know whether you have manboobs or not. And even if you did, you still could have been my friend, as long as you kept your shirt on when we were in public together.
Maybe you think a super hero named Harry Manboobs is a really stupid concept that is below your dignity. Maybe you’re trying to give off the vibe that you’re only interested in classic literature, like my hubs on boogers and earwax. Allow me to let you in on a little secret. Harry Manboobs IS a stupid concept, and it IS below your dignity. If you read the actual work, you wouldn’t have enough dignity left to sew together a sweater for a hamster. That analogy only works if dignity is made of small bits of cloth, which it’s not, but you get my point. It appears that you would rather have a warm hamster than read about Harry Manboobs, or at least that’s the way it looks to me from where I sit. Damn you AND your freakin’ warm hamster!
But I’ve decided not to get mad about it. I’m just going to kill you instead. If you can’t take the time to read a stupid story about a guy that runs around fighting crime wearing a Speedo, manboobing criminals, and blasting people with his ButtRay, then what DO you have time for? Apparently not much.
Perhaps you could explore the hidden meanings of the Manboobs saga, like some literary historians have done with the Iliad, and some of those other old, boring books that are hard to understand. But no. You just sit on your pomp and circumstance and push Manboobs away. I don’t even know what that means, but it seems to me that you’re doing it. How would you feel if the manboob was on the other foot, huh? That didn’t make sense either, but I’m upset.
That’s why I’ve decided to kill you. It will solve both of our problems. You won’t have to worry about ignoring me anymore, since you’ll be dead, and I won’t have to worry about you ignoring me anymore, since you’ll be dead. Works out well for both of us.
I know that this is kind of harsh, and part of me hates to do it. If it makes you feel any better, I deliberated over this for a good hour and a half.
PS. I’ve decided to give you 48 more hours. If I see my hub traffic going up on the Manboobs series, everybody lives. If not, go ahead and get my orange jumpsuit ready. I’m prepared for my new life behind bars. I’ve been practicing holding on tightly to the soap in the shower so that I don’t drop it.
Gotta’ run. Someone is kicking my front door down.
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Somebody is crapping themselves now at the thought of having enraged the Stanosaurus Rex. I just hope it is not me.
ha, you have brought up everyones inner paranoia monster.
Phew! I am so glad I just got here... note to self ... always comment, even if you weren't here!
I am scared now,lol, even though I have read most of the manboob series.
Do you do contract work? I have a couple of hubs that ... oh never mind you have troubles enough of your own.
Do you feel eyes watching you Stan? You should. Threatening people is a good way to get on the Homeland Security Watch list. It's a good thing that HM escaped. He can butt ray the hell out of them, eh?
If those are the choices, kill me now and try not to make a mess. ;{)
CP
Uhm...okay. Akward much? Hee hee hee. Dood SOrry if I don't comment on everything. I try. Promoting a book take a lot out of ya (file that for future reference) You keep writing and I'll be right here lOL-ing it up with your keen humour.
Cheers!
Lol, everybody's radar just went up a notch...great job! :)
I'm cracking up ..... and I'm scared....
OK I admit it, the sheer title of whatever you were writing put me off, mea culpa and you are welcome to come visit with killing in mind.... 'cos where I live is soooo very nice you will forget all that nonsense and start quaffing fresh Mango juice an stuff!
Anyhow, here's my address:
Latitude = 5.4617, Longitude = 100.2911
Try not to call after midnight, the dog may spoil your plans!
Stan,
I voted this up and beautiful, because I'm mad at you. I read, I comment, and do I hear from you? Heck no. Are my hubs too long? Not toilet humor enough? Not funny in Stanland?
Listen mate, I named you as one of my top three hubbers in: http://hubpages.com/hub/HumorHubs-and-More-from-Ch
and did I hear from you? No. Sue called, Nellieanna called, but Stan is all wrapped up in Harry Manboobs and his 545, yeah count them, followers. Both of my followers came over to your camp and left me, so stop whining.
Don't Pomp and Circumstance me, pickle man.
Oh, and good luck on the bullying strategy...
Chris
WTS - thanks for stopping by. Really, thank you. And don't worry about thanking me for thanking you. I feel thoroughly thanked already.
Christopher - of course its not you! As a matter of fact, I was gonna' recruit you to do any killing that needed done across the pond. I'm assembling a list of names.
Healing touch - you're in the clear. I don't kill nice people, and you seem nice.
Cheyenne - I don't kill people with cool Native American sounding names, so you can rest easy, as long as you keep on commenting.
Dusty - I don't kill smilers either. You look like a smiler - a person who smiles a lot. It's hard to pull the trigger when someone is smiling like that.
Pooh - I'll consider it. Who are they and what have they done to you? If it's heinous enough, I'm there.
Austin - that thought seriously occurred to me. I hope the Homeland Security folks know what tongue in cheek means.
Christopher - you are safe. I don't kill people with beards. That shows an overabundance of testosterone, and they sometimes shoot back.
Surly - you're safe too. Had you not responded to my hub contest, it would have never taken off and I wouldn't be world famous and filthy rich. I'm forever indebted to you. If you have someone who needs to be killed, let me know. The first one's on the house.
FiFi - I don't sense any fear from you at all. It's probably because you know that I don't kill people with thoughtful looking pictures for their avatars who have great skin. You're safe.
Lily - I can't kill you either. My grandmothers name was Lilly. Close enough. Plus you have cute kids. Now, if you had a different name and ugly kids, it might be different.
Aqua- I punched in your coordinates, just in case I decided I wanted to kill you later. You're too far away to make it worth the trouble. Plus I'm scared of angry dogs.
Chris - Sounds like you might want to kill me instead, and now that you've laid out your argument, I couldn't agree more. Could you wait until summer? I want to see my son graduate from high school. And a sincere thanks for the mention in your hub. I didn't know about it 'til you said something. I will be perusing your hubs more now. I've learned my lesson.
Stan,
Further, Harry Manboobs sent me back to therapy. I have a magnificent pair, well manscaped, but no special powers. Reinforcing peoples' looser complex is unkind. Can you imagine my horror on seeing Chelsea's artwork and wondering if yet another photo of me has hit the Internet...
Seems strange that she left off the beard, but those are my favorite underpants...
Chris - ha! Actually, I think she was trying to model the photo after yours truly. I used to manscape, but decided to just let it all go a few years ago. Sorry if I tapped into some of your insecurities. On a positive note, your manboobs probably have more powers than you think. Have you ever tried to manboob someone? It really freaks people out, not that I've tried it or anything.
Stan,
Too shy to try. I wear xxl Hawaiin shirts and pretend I am skinny...
I've tried thinking of them as protective covers for my awesome pecs, but it fools no one!
Chris - as your strolling down Laguna Beach one of these days, you might find yourself manboobing some jerk who's trying to steal some old ladies purse. When there are no other weapons available, singing the Harry Manboobs theme song and then manboobing someone could save the day. Don't write your manboobs off. They might end up on the local news someday.
I may be terribly egocentric, Stan, but you could have come out and at least given me credit for your intended murder spree. Just this morning I was feeling somewhat guilty for not reading your manboobs series, but not too much so.
So I decided to give you another chance to tickle my funny bone. Imagine my surprise as you shamelessly revealed my shortcomings! You cad!
Well, I suppose I'll have to go read the adventures of Mr. Manboobs, but only because I'd rather you not kill me anytime soon.
Okay?
PS: Everything is about me, you understand...
Lorlie - you weren't even on the list. I would never kill you, or even maim you. Harry is waiting there patiently, whenever you have a chance to mosey on over. :)
I wasn't even considered? That's depressing-I thought you loved me.
Excuse me while I weep.
This was one of your funniest dissertations, Stan. Don't worry about a potential murder indictment. If you're convicted, I promise to get you out even if it takes a hundred years!
Although I think I may have a serious problem. I understood the hamster analogy.
Lorlie - I thought you would be happy that I didn't want to kill you.
Thanks DRBJ - I hope it doesn't take a hundred years. And please explain the hamster analogy to me when you get a chance.
Im glad you deliberated thouroughly before making the life changing decision(not your life, your victims obviously). Good luck on finding the perfect culprit!
Loved the hub! :) though, still not buying the manboobs talk..
Sammy - thanks. This was another one of mine where I was just needing an excuse the write the title. Everything after that really didn't mean all that much....
Stan- I find it disturbing that three people have found this hub "useful".
333 - I have to assume they're responding in fear.
I didn't worry because I've been reading the Manboobs series and, besides, I don't believe you're into murdering old ladies! JAYE
LOL, I am now feeling guilty. I have neglected Hubpages and thus neglected you Stan and your wonderful hubs. I am in the process of rectifying that now, so hopefully, I am not on your radar within 48 hours! :P Thanks for the bit of paranoia and laughter.
Jaye - you're completely in the clear. And who says you're old? Compared to what? I'm sure you're quite young if compared to, say, a redwood. I hope that was as encouraging to you as I meant for it to be.
rgarnett - Welcome back! You're just in time. I was considering killing you, but now I've changed my mind. You have some catching up to do though.
Heh. Actually Stan, being an ex- cop and soldier, I can handle mine, and more than likely, yours. Not that I would know anything of the sort, being a nice little upstanding Irish boy like meself.
Surly - perhaps we could go into business. I think hit men do pretty well for themselves.
sueroy333 found it disturbing that 3 people found this to be useful! LOL. It is even more disturbing that 2 people marked it beautiful! I cannot sleep tonight due to fear of a useful, beautiful murder.
Lisa - Don't worry, you're safe. Anyone who had a grandma like yours more than likely knows how to defend themselves. I tend to go for easier targets. Thanks for reading!
As a loyal follower who has been somewhat remiss. Naturally I was relieved when I read you don't kill people with beards, I have had time to grow one a bit longer than Colonel Sanders so I feel really safe now.
I left an inane comment on one of your hubs just to be sure.
Earnest - You're safe with a beard. Coincidently, the last person I killed with a beard was the Colonel himself after one too many times of getting diarrhea from his 11 herbs and spices. Thanks for the inane comment though. It never hurts to be sure.
Apparently, 3 people think it's awesome that you want to kill me. And I don't even own a hamster, let alone enough dignity to sew him a sweater. But I can see that you're too far gone for negotiations, so I will try to come to terms with my fate. In the meantime, I'll just say thank you.
(I know that didn't make sense, thanking you for killing me, but I'm upset.)
I am very sorry for neglecting your Harry Manboobs series. Havent done it intentionally though. Just been busy dealing with some issues that have certainly not been fun so please dont kill me. I already have someone else wanting to do that! I promise to read them all soon just please spare me. :)
AC - I don't kill teachers, so you're safe. And thank you for thanking me. And there's no need for you to thank me for thanking you for thanking me, so don't worry about it.
RLS - For a small fee I can kill the person who wants to kill you. If you just want them maimed, I charge next to nothing. You're safe. I don't kill people dealing with serious issues. Hope you get it all worked out soon.
Somehow, I think you are talking about Shadesbreath because he declined illustrating your Manboobs hubs. Am I right?
It's a good thing I've been working on the whole "keeping up" thing. Thank you for this hub. Now I'm also not sure if I should follow you or not. Then again, you did make me laugh really hard, so I suppose it's worth a headshot. You don't do torture do you?
M89 - while seemingly intuitive, I'm afraid your Shadesbreath theory is wrong. Although he read Harry Manboobs Part 1 and never returned, which would normally make me mad enough to kill, I have to spare him because everytime he leaves a comment on one of my hubs, my Hubscore magically jumps up about 4 points. That's a testimony to his awesome hubbing clout - something I don't really understand, but have grown to accept. My therapist and I have discussed it on numerous occasions.
Alexander Mark - first, let me compliment you on your avatar. That cat looks exactly like me as I'm pouring my first cup of coffee in the morning. Secondly, since you're new, I won't kill you. And chances are good I won't torture you either. I only torture those who are looking for something useful to read on Hubpages and come across my hub about belly button lint or boogers. Thanks for stopping by. You are officially free to live your life without fear.
I am very glad you are not going after Shadesbreath. He is one of my favorite hubbers, and HE reads my hubs!
M89 - ouch. You got me on that one. I'm a really bad hub reader. But your chastisement has accomplished it's purpose. I shall spend a big part of the day today just reading.....
Think I fall in the Hubosphere mystery category, except I finally took the plunge and pub'd first piece so it'4/1 or something like, but I am new, and I have just starting finding all you fascinating people, so give me a break. I know one thing: I'll probably already be dead if I wind up in your longtime buddy's shoes! Feel like Alexander Mark, but too late, I've already flagged you! Oops! Funny stuff!
I love it! But let's face it, you have to be good to get a stalker...
Teylina - you scared me there for a minute. Thanks for adding the LOL. My pulse was racing for a second. I'm always somewhat afraid that people will take my thoughts seriously, or at least the thoughts that I didn't mean to be taken seriously. Thanks for reading!
Julie-Ann, thanks for dropping by! Really glad you enjoyed it.
Great, now I have to read and comment on your all hubs since I don't meet any of the criteria you spare people for.
Curse my inability to grow a beard.
Wait a second, does it have to be a natural beard? Because I'm not above falsifying facial hair for self-preservation. After having read Harry Manboobs at that point, dignity won't even be an issue so I'm good with hair fraud.
Keith - if you're willing to go to the trouble of faking a beard, I won't kill you. However, you can't use a Sharpie. You would either have to get it tattooed onto your face, or have it permanently affixed via transplant from the Bosley Institute. I'm pretty sure they can move some of your leg and arm hair to your face. Send me a pic when you're done so that I can take your name off of the hit list.
Very funny! I didn't even know about the Manboob series until now, but I will find it ASAP. Inquiring Minds want to know: Do you have any strong feelings about sideboob shots?
Sally - that completely depends on the particular sideboobs in question. Some are easier to deal with than others. To those on either end of the spectrum, yes, I have some very strong feelings....
You're an incredibly original writer, and I like your work.
I read this hub, and I gotta say...you're quite funny.
I'm following you as of now.
Night - I read your hub man. Anxious to see where you go with this. Thanks for the kind words. I really appreciate it. Welcome to HP!
Wow. I thought I was presumptuous when I begged for followers. We need a new category: "Following under threat of death."
That could work.
Mr. Comp - LOL. Unfortunately, I'm finding that it doesn't work. Torture might actually work better. I'm considering it.
Stan, you're the man !
I've got what you may call " man-boobs ", cos, they don't qualify as women boobs !
You should think twice about killing us, because,
I am fastly becoming an avid reader of your's. And that said...
I recodnise a lot of other avid reader's of your magnificent HUBS.
Ergo... maybe a spell in a spar to relax is better perscribed for you heehee
We all love your tallent for making us pop back to read more from you, x
However. Should this comment not be enough to save your A_SE...
Send me a V.O
Debbie - I would never kill anyone who called my hubs magnificent. That tells me you are of sound mind and thinking clearly, and that you're uber-intelligent. We need all of those kinds of people we can get. Consider yourself completely safe. Sorry to bring up the touchy subject of your manboobs. I didn't know. My apologies. Hope you don't want to kill me or anything.
Thanks for sparing me (and the welcome, comment and follow: you're a busy guy). My plan was simply to superglue it on but I'll have to call and see if they offer a "I don't want to die" discount.
Or maybe a tattoo, I think I like the sound of that for my facial fraud.
And you caught me, it really is a subliminal pitch to get kids hopped up on Helium. Phase two is to get them sing Munchkin Land song in funny voice. Phase three is still under construction.
Keith - you would have nothing but my utmost respect if you tattooed your beard on. Hasn't been done to my knowledge. You would be a smash on Youtube. Easily 16 minutes of fame. Anxious to hear phase three. And btw, crank out some hubs dude. You clearly have a sense of humor. Write something funny and/or stupid. Nothing like funny/stupid to blow out the cobwebs.
I'm not planning on donating plasma for at least a year(going to need all I can produce for phase three), so why not. I'll be sure to post that picture when the inky deed's done.
Thanks for the tip, I think that's exactly what I need to do right about now. Maybe the momentum of a couple pointless posts will help me actually continue the series the Helium hub was supposed to be the start of. Or it'd at least give me more hubs to check obsessively.
Glad you took my advice. The procrastination hub was awesome. Sorry it took me a few days to tell you that.
Is the hamster analogy anything like the offside rule in British football (soccer to you)?
Angie
Angie - yes, precisely...exactly, I think. I'm not sure. What was the question?
Wesman Todd Shaw 16 months ago
LOL!
. . . . .now I'll have to do the thanking ritual with the guy who'd told me about you. . . .~sigh~