Midlife Crisis - Halfway to 90
78In a few weeks I'll be 45 years old. Halfway to 90. How did this happen? I had assumed when I was 18 that the next 18 years were going to go at the same speed as the first 18. That was wrong. Seems like I hit 36 when I should have only been about 25. And now I’ve tacked 9 more years onto that. What have I been doing? Is there 45 years worth of life in my 45 years? Maybe. That’s the kind of questions mid-lifers ask themselves.
Like everyone else, I’ve had my share of ups and downs. But something happens to a man about this time in his life where he begins to wonder if he’s been on the right track. As the Eagles sang years ago in their song, Wasted Time,
“Another love has come and gone,
Ooh, and the years keep rushing on,
I remember what you told me before you went out on your own;
sometimes to keep it together, we got to leave it alone.
So you can get on with your search, baby, and I can get on with mine,
And maybe someday we will find, that it wasn’t really wasted time.”
I think that’s the question many of us ask ourselves. Was it wasted time? It probably wasn’t all wasted, but some of it was. The positive spin that is commonly put on this is that “I was learning.” I agree. We all were learning. But did it take too long to learn some of the things that hurt us and others around us? Probably.
By the time you make it to 40, the realization sinks in that life is short. You’ve always heard that, but now the concept becomes all too real. And with this realization comes a sense of urgency. And sometimes this sense of urgency leads to mistakes. What if the grass really is greener on the other side of the fence? This ‘grass’ could mean a relationship, a career track, or almost anything else. When you’re young, everything seems possible and making choices really doesn’t seem as important, because we feel that we’ll have time to ‘do it all’. One of the worst pieces of advice I used to hear when I was a kid was, "You're young. You have plenty of time to figure it all out." By the time we realize that we have yet to figure it out, we’re on a specific track already, sometimes one that we have chosen, and sometimes one on which we just seem to find ourselves.
This can be devastating for some. I was a casualty of it in my own way. I have always been a little extreme in my emotions and tend to jump out of a lot of pans into a lot of fires. There’s an element of self control that is lacking, and kind of a ‘let’s do that and see what happens’ mentality that doesn’t serve me well sometimes, kind of like a kid lighting a new kind of firecracker, not knowing how big or dangerous the explosion is going to be. There is some romance in this approach, and I’m all for that, but sometimes the pain in the end is not worth it.
There is another Eagles song that comes to mind - Desperado. This song is absolutely brilliant and ranks up there with the best songs ever written. There is a whole lot here for a mid-lifer to think on.
“Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses,
you’ve been out ridin’ fences for so long now,
O, you’re a hard one, but I know that you’ve got your reasons.
These things that are pleasin’ you will hurt you somehow.
Don’t you draw the queen of diamonds, boy,
She’ll beat you if she’s able.
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet.
Now it seems to me some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can’t get.
Desperado, oh, you ain’t getting’ no younger,
Your pain and your hunger, they’re drivin’ you home,
And freedom, oh freedom well, that’s just some people talkin’,
Your prison is walking through this world all alone.
Don’t your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won’t snow and the sun won’t shine,
It’s hard to tell the night time from the day.
You’re losin’ all your highs and lows,
Ain’t it funny how the feeling goes away?
Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate.
It may be rainin’, but there’s a rainbow above you,
You better let somebody love you, before it’s too late."
When I was a kid, I imagined this weathered old bum when I thought of this Desperado character. Maybe a homeless alcoholic who had made one monumental bad choice after another. But as I’ve aged some, I see more of myself here than I would like to admit. That’s why the song is so brilliant. There is a lot of deep meaning that’s almost hidden, until you're seasoned enough to relate to it. There's deep pain here and also hope of redemption.
The antidote to being a Desperado is faith. Faith in a God who loves us. Faith in what He said about eternity. Faith in the passage in Revelation that says there will someday be no more tears, crying or pain. But for a Desperado, faith is sometimes hard to come by, and you can become your own worst enemy.
My faith has been severely tested in recent years, and I think in a lot of ways I’ve failed the test, mainly from wanting to take things into my own hands and make certain outcomes a reality in my own strength. This is the battle of the flesh verses the spirit. It’s extremely difficult to win, and can’t be won alone. Not once. Not ever.
This is not a sermon. I’m not in a position to preach to anybody about anything. But I do want you to pause today sometime and take a hard look at where you’ve been and where you’re going. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that we have to lean on each other and learn from each other. My hope for all of us is that when the pan is hot, we’re able to hold on, and not jump into something worse.
And when that gnawing feeling comes and we begin to think, “What have I really accomplished?”, I hope that we can all be reminded of our victories and blessings as well as our failures and trials.
One of the reasons I run is that it’s a constant reminder that life is a marathon and not a sprint. I pray that you can find some peace today in whatever stage of the race you’re in.
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Voice - thanks so much. I really appreciate you consistently reading my work...
Ah, do I remember 45? barely, being more than a decade ago.
I agree that it does seem as though 40 is the point of reckoning with the brevity of life. It seems that the "Passages" described in the book by the same name by Gail Sheehy, is rather accurate.
My goddaughter will be 40 in a few weeks and her conversation has changed and seem to focus more on prioritizing her life in terms of what is important. An eternity mindset has emerged.
Great hub.
Forever His,
I am 40 now and I feel like my mindset has changed in this past year. I have went thru some things in this past year that I am still dealing with now. I am not truely happy where I am in my life right now but I am trying to figure out how to get there. Like you said, we do need to learn how to lean on each other more and have faith that our God is in control and he will take care of us. Thank you for this hub. It has encouraged me!
Great hub Stan.
Great stuff here, Stan. I can appreciate this even at my age of 36. I think I've had to grow up pretty fast and have learned some pretty tough lessons so far, too. Life is short and we have to always keep looking forward!
For whatever reason you have been heavy on my heart today. Maybe this hub explains why.
"But the only way to have no pain is to have nothing to lose. And who wants that? We can choose better over bitter. We can all walk toward hope." richard paul evans from "The Walk."
I love you, my almost 45 yr. old baby boy!
good stuff my friend
Fabulous as ever, thank you for this! Lots of Love on your Birthday x
I guess that makes me half way to 140. Makes me feel proud when you put it that way. Cheated the devil for a long time. One thing I've learned about all this stuff is that every day you wake up on the green side of the grass is a day to be thankful for. Take it easy on yourself and be good to folks. The way you treat people is the only thing you take out of this world with you. Hearses don't come equipped with luggage racks. Good job. You are a true word smith.
Nice reflections on midlife, Stan....and life in general. It's nice to be reminded that we're all part of something bigger than ourselves.
Oh, indeed. We probably have "wasted time." and made mistakes. And taken too long. And taken things into our own hands. And Al is right. Take it easy on yourself! We can't really treat others better than we do ourselves (we think we do, but it is always a reflection of how we are treating ourselves). So be easy on yourself. Know you are doing the best you can at any time, and know that sometimes that "wasted time" is the time we need for our bodies to catch up with our souls. The realization that we are halfway to our graves makes each day more precious, and our reflections make our purpose more certain. Happy birthday! Great to connect with you!
Yes, Life is flying by. But no matter what we will not make it out alive, at least the flesh. So I say go for it! Make a difference, some money, enjoy as much time as you can with your family and friends, make more friends, help as many as you can. Leave your mark. What do you want people to say about you when your gone? You have the ability to set the tone, make the difference, good or bad, in the life of others. I say always do the right thing at any given moment and sleep well at night! I think you are supposed to waste some time aren't you?
Hmmm, you were serious about this. Why? Are you really looking ahead to the next 45, or back at the first? Isn't it enough that you're here, now? That's an accomplishment, isn't it?
The scale of time that seems to measure our lives is logarithmic for sure. Long distance between 10 and 20, but shorter each successive decade. Now, being older at 63 than I used to think of as "ancient" when in MY 20's, the amazing thing is how I think of myself inside. My thoughts are not much different, though my body's ability is sure different. I think the mind-set we had in our 20's is probably what we think of ourselves for life.
Great job!
Keep running.
Revlady - thanks so much for reading and for your comments.
rls- glad to be of some encouragement. Life is more difficult at times than we would have known as kids. Keep on keeping on. And thanks for reading.
SFB - Thanks for always reading. I really appreciate it.
Steve - Looking forward and not back is the key. Or one of the keys. Easier said than done sometimes. Thanks for reading!
Groovy - the only thing harder than struggling yourself is watching your kids struggle. Things are getting better, and they will continue too. Unless they get worse. :)
Mike - thanks for stopping by. I think I might even know which Mike you are.
Kay - and happy birthday to you, my fellow Taurean.
Old guy, er I mean, Al, thanks for your input. I've always been my own worse critic, but am working on it. Thanks for reading as always.
Kim - yes, we are part of something bigger than ourselves. And we're all struggling with something - maybe big, maybe small. But leaning on each other is critically important. Thanks for reading!
Jan - I'm honored that you stopped by, and I appreciate your input. Thanks for reading!
Wayne - great advice and I appreciate you reading this and leaving your input. This is always cathartic for me to get thoughts like this down in written form and see what people have to say.
Sheila, I threw you for a loop, didn't I? I much prefer to write the comedy stuff, but I appreciate you reading this one. Yes, just being here should be enough. I'm working on living in the 'now'. It's like being in training for a sport you have never done before. A simple concept that is hard to implement....
Colorado Bobby - I agree with your observation that our mind-set is set in our twenties, if not in our late teens. It's interesting how our knowledge grows as our body declines. A twenty year old with a 60 year old mind could rule the world.
Hey Stan great post and timely for a lot of us. I went through the 40 black arm band day straight into my 50th without blinking an eye, then hit the big 60 last year. But being the Desperado I've lived on the edge of life and chased the devil many many times, survived to live another day. Age is just a number, the important thing is how your MINDSET takes each number that passes your way. I see very young sixty year olds and very old twenty year olds, it's just a number. The key has always been MINDSET and ATTITUDE. I plan on reaching a hundred and still smoking a joint to celebrate it. Thanks for the great attitude you have, you have it figured out.
Saddle - I think they put you on Good Morning America if you smoke a joint on your 100th birthday. I'll be 85 when you're doing that, so I'll try to tune in.
Your points about age just being a number are spot on. Thanks for reading and for your input!
Wow,I feel as if you been reading my mind. I'll turn 46 in July. I'd say the last ten years been a soul search journey for me. I, too, began to realize how fast life goes by and wondering if I leapt too often before I looked. It hit me that I wanted my life to count for something. I didn't want to be just passing time. After all, none of us truly knows how long our life journey will be. The key is something I heard a while ago (paraphrasing) "I lay my burdens at the cross...but the problems begin when I pick them back up." Hard to do, I know. You're on the right path! You've got company too! :)
things that mke ya go "hmmmm..."
Let's try again: Things that MAKE ya go "HHHHMMMM..."
Terrific hub Stan. The best way around this whole issue is to live. 40 is a number, nothing more. The funny thing is I can never remember how old I am and I was always like this. Just be and do and live in the present. I heard that this is the key to true contentment.
Karen - thanks so much for the awesome comment.
Greensmoothie - Glad I could mke you go, hmmmmmmmm, er, make I mean.
Bpop - Living in the present. Does someone offer classes in this? Thanks for your comment and as always, for reading.
Yeah, I understand about looking back and soul searching. Once you hit your fourties you begin to have regrets or wish you could go back and change some things. Don't you wish we could have had our hindsight and wisdom in our younger years when we needed it the most?
Hi Stan - a thought provoking piece. I'm 48 now and I kinda went through a similar phase a few years ago when my step-mother died. One of those "what's it all about" re-evaluations along the dotted line type periods. I dont feel like a desperado - though like most I have had my moments - I have no regrets and I no longer grieve over the loss of my youth. I have begun to accept my age and certain inevitabilities about health and ageing etc and that makes me focus on what I can do now before its too late, or before my body stops me doing things. So I look forward not back since I can't change the past - I can only influence today and tomorrow and life is so full of opportunities - it's an absolute gift. I do all the things I want to if I am able financially and live life to the full making compromises where I have to but largely trying not to let things like work demands get in the way of living life - so enjoy your age and savour the moments we have left with the people you love. I guess that is as close as I can get to living in the now as someone suggested above.
I had my 40th birthday yesterday and while I was sitting down, I was contemplating on what I have done in my life, where am I going and is my life now the way I wanted it to be, questions and more questions. One thing I know, I almost had it all, well almost, I fell in love, got married annuled, then love again, but it wasnt successful. I had children and I wonder if I could ever found somebody who is for me, who knows. I dont like to ask why anymore, maybe GOD wanted it that way. God wanted us to be with somebody because it is a sense of belongingness. When you are not forcing for something to happen, it will just come anyway,
I like Eagles and I like this hub, Maita
Stan - You're just a baby. If you take care of yourself you can have another 50% of your life ahead of you. Promise. One caveat though, and I write from experience: the older you get, the faster time seems to fly.
So make the most of every day, laugh while you live and be nice to others. I have spoken.
lovelypaper - yes, we were dumb. But we have every day to start over. Without that, life would be the pits. Thanks so much for stopping by. Your first-time visitor check is in the mail!
Great thoughts Lemmy - And living in the present is exactly what I'm learning to do.....
Pretty dark horse - first of all, happy birthday! Great comments! Asking God 'why' has taken up entirely too much of my past several years. Time to move on.
drbj - Well said. I'm going to make the second half the best half. Having said that, I've also had some amazingly wonderful things happen to me in the first half.
Well, happy birthday. I plan to live to 111, so I have 69 good years left in me. I still run, albeit slowly. My body betrays my mind often. I think and feel 25. Until I run too far. Then I think 25 and feel 85. I can't believe how fast the years go by.
Namaste.
Mr. Fletcher, I always enjoy your writing here on HubPages, but this is a particularly beautiful bit of prose & philosophy.
I believe that it was Swindoll who said that life is 10% what happens to us & 90% attitude. Your equanimity & grace in life proves this point in an elegant way. The encouragement that you offer is an added blessing.
Life has given me the mix that everyone gets, & I can honestly say that I regret nothing & that being kind & patient with myself allows me the luxury of doing the same with everyone else.
May blessings, peace, happiness, joy always find you & yours.
Warm regards...C.E. Grant
Deborah - keep running! I'm slow too. But slow is better than couch potato, right?
C.E. - Wow, thanks so much. Your heartfelt comment means a lot to me. And great advice as well. I'm glad you read my stuff....
I actually met Swindoll about 10 years ago. His famous quote on attitude is one of my favorite writings of all time. Thanks for bringing it to mind.
Well, I'm 16 years your senior. I have asked myself many times, how did I get here? Where did the time go, and why did it go so fast?
As a child, we want nothing more than to grow up, become our own boss. I used to threaten my father with that all the time because he was overly strict. Obviously, I made it. I married at 20 and had 18 years with the man of my dreams, who was taken from me at age 36 in a drowning accident. I was left with my two teenagers, so it was me and them against the world.
They have grown into fine adults, and I have a granddaughter that I adore. My only wish is that my hubby lived to see it all, but I believe with all my heart, he knows and is watching.
So yes, we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and keep on keepin on.
As one of your commenters said, we don't get out alive. So enjoy what you have while you have it.
Hope you had a wonderful birthday!
Trish - great comment! "You gotta' get busy livin', or get busy dyin'."
Stan.... i strongly suggest you re-read this one. :)
I agree, that as we approach the second half of life, its crucial that we not repeat the same mistakes again...
something to think about.
hugs~ S
I LOVE the Eagles and often sing Desperado at karaoke night. Your hub reminded me of something my mom told me when she was 82: "Now that your dad is gone, I'd like to meet a nice man about my age. You know, someone middle aged who just wants a companion." My smart-ass brother replied with, "Damn, Ma! Think you'll make it to 164??"
habee - LOL! I've often thought about the term 'middle age' and how inaccurate it is. If you live to 80, middle age should be 40. I guess they mean middle age from when you started being an adult. Funny comment. Thanks for stopping by.
A very insightful and thought-provoking hub, Stan. By the time you make it to my age (67, on the downhill slide to 70), the sense of urgency kind of plays itself out. Believe it or not, one becomes more peaceful and realizes that the time to smell the roses is NOW.
Even when the economy is bad (and your personal economic situation is even worse), there's something to be thankful for every day you are on the planet...family, friends, a pet, pickles and The Eagles Greatest Hits album!
Desperado is one of my favorite songs, and just being reminded of it makes me want to listen....so I will. That's another thing you do when you're 67. You try not to postpone doing something you want to do....JAYE
Jaye - great comment! You seem like someone who has learned to live in the moment. I greatly admire that. Thanks so much for your faithful readership...
But for a Desperado, faith is sometimes hard to come by.
I could not agree with that more, and I am nowhere near your age. Paradoxically though, most of my friends are above 40. In fact, my best friend is 46. I am only 24 going on 25.
KO - Faith is hard to come by in the best of circumstances. I'm sure you've heard this before, but the years between 25 and 45 seem to go by about as fast as the four years of high school. Time flies.
Thanks for dropping by. I really appreciate it.
I loved and appreciate this hub very much Stan. My husband is 40 and keeps telling me he thinks he's going through a midlife crisis and I never really understood...however, after reading this, I feel like I'm reading his story. I see there's definitely something to what he's been saying. Thanks for shedding some light for me on the struggles of my "Desperado." :) (Loved the Eagle's song lyrics by the way) Also, I'm so glad you brought it all back to faith in God. He is the reason we can live every day to its fullest!
thevoice 2 years ago
terrific terrific hub good luck great reading about life thanks