My Journey Through the Valley of Depression Part 5
84The Road
It’s been a while since I’ve posted one of these. In the interim I’ve gained some wisdom and insight that I would like to share with you.
First of all, our mind is ours to use how we wish. Our minds generate our thoughts, but we control which thoughts are generated. They respond to whatever stimulus we give them – positive or negative. You can’t self-pity your way out of depression. Depression is a road, and you are either going one way or the other on it. And it doesn’t circle the Earth and lead back to joy. It’s a long stretch of road with two very distinct ends. On one end is suicide, on the other peace and freedom. You have to decide which direction you’re going to go. You have to look in the mirror and say to yourself, out loud, either, “I want to live” or “I want to die”. It’s as simple, and as brutally difficult, as that. I’ve chosen to live.
One of the other things I’ve learned – you can’t be anything but depressed with a dual mind. In other words, if you have competing interests, whether to do “this” or “that”, and they are diametrically opposed, and you can’t choose between the two, you will never be happy. You can’t have everything. Actually, you can’t even have most things. You can have a few things. And in those few things, you can find your ‘everything’. But don’t fool yourself into thinking that you don’t have to choose. If you don’t choose, you and others will get hurt. That is not a theory, but a fact.
And then once you do choose, pursue the thing you’ve chosen with all of your heart. You may have several things you’re pursuing – a job, a raise, a relationship, life itself – but treat each of them with the sense of purpose and focus that only a hyper-conscious choice can bring. You may not get to choose your future, and your success or failure in some areas may be impossible to predict, but you can choose what you’re doing right now. Do the things that will make you the kind of person you want to be today. Those todays begin to add up over time. In a very short time, I’ve seen so much improvement.
Another thing – don’t be the Lone Depressed Ranger. Chances are, and I hate to break this to you, you will not get out of this by yourself. Reaching out to others may be the hardest thing you ever do. But don’t be afraid. Your friends and family will not sit in judgment over you. Every single person has problems, and most people are smart enough not to throw stones. Some of the guys I’m meeting with in a support group who have known me a long time told me something very important a few weeks ago that has really stuck with me. “Stan, when we look at you, we don’t think about your mistakes or your failures. We see you as a person with immense potential and a second chance at life, and we want to help you get there.” How many times have I sat alone in grief, with so many people trying to reach out to me, and I was too ashamed to show up? Hundreds. As a matter of fact, I shut out the people most close to me. And shutting someone out doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t talk to them. They might be a big part of your life every day, but you’re not letting them below the surface. Just because you are social, doesn’t mean that you’re allowing friends and family help you. Conversation is good, but finding someone to hold your feet to the fire and support you at the same time is so much better.
This last thing and I’ll close for now. If you are clinically depressed, you must get over the stigma of two things: professional counseling and drug therapy. Very few have crawled out of depression with even just one of these things missing. If you’re missing both, your chances of getting on your feet are slim to none. Find a good counselor. And preferably a psychologist or a psychiatrist. Almost anybody can hang a sign on their door that says “Counselor”. I know that because I’ve been to a few of those. Shop around a little until you find someone you get along with. If you’re broke, seek assistance from the state or try some of the local free ministries in your area. Some of them are very good. Search until you find someone who can really help you. Someone who has tools that can help you retrain the way you think. As far as drugs go, I’ve only known one person who has slain the demon of depression without them. There is no more shame in taking a drug to help your mind function properly than there is to take high blood pressure meds if you have high blood pressure.
It’s my hope that you choose the road that is leading to life, peace and freedom. I’m on that road now. I hope to see you there. If I jump up and squint real hard, I can see my goal in the distance. But that distance gets shorter every day.
Be sure to live while you’re alive.
Depression Part 4
- My Journey Through the Valley of Depression Part 4
Yesterday was a tough day. I think I experienced a letdown because I had made headway the day before and didnt have anything on the calendar for yesterday that was a direct part of my healing. I want...
Depression Part 6
- My Journey Through the Valley of Depression Part 6
If you are depressed, you have to one degree or another become your thoughts. No one knows what this feels like better than me. I had negative and debilitating thoughts flooding my mind 24/7 for many,...
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Someone once told me one of the hardest things for most people to do is make a choice. In most things I make choices easily, and when I tried to figure out why, it seems to me I don't second-guess myself. Most of the time I'm satisfied. If not - no big deal, there's always tomorrow!
Stan...you are one of my heroes in life for a number of reasons and what you have had to say here is probably paramount among them. I have gone through some low points in life and felt like I had to take second place but I have always moved past that point and tried to make the best of what I had knowing that maybe my stuff was not as good as the next guy. The years have taught me different and given me more confidence in my ability. At the same time, I have also learned to cherish what I have as opposed to what I think I want. You sir, are a very talented individual who has likely had more opportunities that you could keep up with but at the same time had difficult deciding where to land. Now, I see that you know. I see that you appreciate what you can have and that you are willing to commit yourself to it. Those two steps tell me that you have found the centerline of life. Personally, I doubt that you will ever lose it again. At the same time, your journey has show us a side of you as a writer that most of us knew you had but did not show. As the old adage goes, "You've come a long way, baby". Keep it up my friend, you are on the right road! WB
Beautifully written. Your information is so powerful because you have experienced the pain. Congratulations on your progress and thank you for sharing your path to recovery. This is almost poetic and very moving testament to your growth and love of life. Bravo!
Bravo Stan. This hub is a brilliant and wise piece of writing. Clearly, you have come a long way and learned some incredibly valuable skills that will guide you through life. I believe that perhaps once you get there you will be a tremendous asset to people going through what you are now.
Well written. Yes, you wrote so well because you have been there, and you know it so well.
Randy - thanks so much for the kind words. I really appreciate it. The guy that you knew had a lot of unresolved issues beneath the surface. But I'm taking the steps to get better. I appreciate your support.
Sheila - that's a great skill to have and one that I have admired in others. I'm working on making good decisions and sticking to them. As always, thanks for reading.
Wayne - what a great comment. Lots of truth in your words. It feels so good to want to get out of bed again!
Fetty - correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think I've seen you in these parts. Thanks so much for reading. Life is an amazing journey of peaks and valleys, many of our own making. Thanks so much for reading.
Bpop - thank you ma'am. I've thought a lot recently about what I could do to help other people through this. My psychiatrist started out as someone else's patient. I'm not saying that's the road I'm headed down, but I would like to be able to show people that there's a way out.
Ingenira - yep, there's no substitute for experience! Thank you so much for reading and commenting.
SF,
Nicely done; years a go my grandfather told me, “No one can insure against what happens to them. And bad things happen to everyone. But everyone has the choice of how they respond.”
He also told me, “You always have a choice. You can choose to ignore things and get on with your life. But to do this you have to let them go. When you hold on to something it has control over you, be sure it is something good before your decide to hold on to it.”
Thanks for the hub and have a great day…
How powerful the message is in this Hub! The concept of choice is difficult to comprehend when depressed, but it is crucial to mental health.
Bless your heart for writing from the heart!
It is so true that people - your family - or friends - will not judge you.... But us formerly depressed people believe that they will... but the fact is, that those wonderful strong people, most of whom have gone through the same "sorry" shit as we have. None of us is perfect. But some are better hiding it. Ask your mom Stan, she is one of the best, like mine.
Depression is more common than most people realize,I lost a brother at a very young age, he made a different choice, I have been headed there myself, like so many others, but I held on, and I have the most wonderful life, when we reach out, we find out just how many people really do care. Someone said this to me many years ago...."This too shall pass" its very difficult to believe when we are so low....but it was something that helped me. Take really good care of yourself, and allow others to do so as well!(take care of you that is) You are a very special person, try not to forget that....I know, I know, youre brilliant! But even brilliant people need a hand every once in a while,...you'll be okay, it will take some time, but you will be okay........
Thanks Stan for your moving and uplifting article. I have been blessed never have suffered clinical depression personally, but I have seen several members of my family suffer in it's grip. When it affects you it must be very difficult to imagine a life beyond the fog, but you now are a living example that there is. I hope and pray that you are blessed to continue that way for a long time.
An amazing hub. Beautifully written with profound insights. If there could ever be a silver lining to living with depression, it seems to me that you have gained immense wisdom from your journey. People tend to believe that life is all about the pursuit of happiness. I believe that life is truly about growth and the pursuit of the authentic self. And we do well to realize that the authentic self we seek is so much greater than that constant stream of inner chattering bouncing around in our brains. And that that self is always there, even at the lowest of moments. Excellent hub Stan, I look forward to reading more.
I am so happy that you are getting the help that you needed for what appears to be quite a while. When I was finally divorced from my abusive exhusband I went through so much depression and it wasn't because of him, I mean it wasn't all his fault and there were many things on my shoulders that were weighing me down as well. When I finally got some help I realized what was making me unhappy and it was the fault that I was placing on myself as well. I forgave myself for all the bad things that I took part in during our marriage and it sure did help me. Wishing you the best Stan, Cheers to you.
JCR2 - thanks a lot for reading. Your comments and insights were excellent. We need more 'wise grandpas' in the world.
Lorlie6 - Amen! Choice is very powerful indeed. And essential for real life.
hall Door - as much as I would like to make fun of you and your island nation, I will refrain. Great comment my friend. It's time for a reunion. Does Iceland have airplanes yet?
Lyjo - Great comment. I'm very sorry to hear about your brother. There is so much pain in the world. I can't tell you how much better I feel. Can't wait to get out of bed in the morning. Now THAT'S saying something!
Christopher - Thanks for your insightful comment. It seems that you have tried to understand depression, even though you haven't experienced it. That's admirable. One of the most frustrating things about being depressed is that it is almost impossible to describe to someone else. I'm not depressed anymore, and even I can't remember why I felt the way I did even a few weeks ago. It's a very weird and awful feeling.
Nordy - first of all, welcome aboard. Great to have you here. Secondly, you completely nailed it. Pursuit of 'happiness' from externals verses pursuit of the authentic self is the perfect way to frame much of what I'm trying to say. Our happiness should spill out from within onto all the other 'things' in our lives. Instead, we often wait for it to overwhelm us from something external, like power, possessions, relationships, etc. I've had this wrong my whole life! But no more! Again, great comment.
LJ1 - Thanks for your comment and insight. We can be so hard on ourselves. Read my poem The Jury if you haven't already. I'm so much better, and getting better all the time. I've willed it to be so, and I'm ready for the next chunk of my life.
Yes we do have airplanes, even run by benzin motors, not gliding planes. And actually during the Eyjafjalla jökull crisis with the ash Icelandair was the only European Airline that flew between the US and Western Europe. They changed their airhubs from Keflavik to Glasgow...simple step. You can fly here anyday, actually,it is less expensive to fly from NY, Boston, MNP, or Orlando (roundtrip) than from here. Stay in touch...
Halldor - you know I've always wanted to come up there. Buy me a ticket. You owe it to me for all the friendship I've provided you over the years. And thanks for the news on Icelandair. That was facsinating. Not Really. Kidding, my friend.
I believe this hub ends 'My Journey Through the Valley of Depression'. I read them in one sitting, they were beautifully written. Following the journey of someone either good or bad, is definitely great in gaining experience. Thanks for the hubs!
KenWu - you are right. The depression is gone. I am so excited about life that I can't wait to get up every morning and see what the new day has in store. I want to inspire others to find the freedom and peace that I've found. Thanks so much for reading!
Stan,
Your stature is ten times more then mine. I don't know if I could experience what you had and survive, you and your kind would be my first choice to correspond with. You described the epitome of survival and success, thanks for sharing.
Ronnie
Stan, thanks for being not only your own voice, but a voice for how common, how devastating, and how treatable depression is. Mostly, thanks for sharing your experience and being so vulnerable and open. I am so glad you are finding it easier to get out of bed, and that you decided to stay.
Ronnie - I'm humbled by your comment, and at the same time, think it may be exaggerated. I appreciate it nonethless. The fact is that none of us know how we will do in a difficult situation until we go through one. I think that's why we're not privy to knowing the future. If we could see those dark clouds of despair and trial coming in the distance, we wouldn't have the will to ever really live.
Kim - thanks so much. It feels good to be here.
Hey Stan,
That is a great article and you are so right on all accounts. I have suffered depression all my life and only around 2 years ago did I find a way out that suited me.
I am not being negative, I am just trying to say that with trial and error a depressed person will find their way out of the darkness.
It took me so long because most of my close family were depressed, it is all I knew. I got out because I persisted and I knew there was a happier ME inside somewhere.
Thanks for being so honest Stan.
Andy
Andy - you're welcome and thanks for reading. Unfortunately, some don't find a way out and end it all. That's a tragedy that can be avoided through treatment. I hope more people will reach out and find the help that they need.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort whithout error and shortcoming; who does actually try to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt
This is one of my favorite quotes, and thought it to be appropriate here. You are and will be a light for many just by being in and staying in the Arena. I'm proud of you and love you, and look forward to all your tomorrows!
Thanks baby sis. I love that quote too. Just wanted to be clear though - which arena should I stay in? We have the Key Arena here in Seattle. I'm sure there are nice arenas all over the country. It's a tough decision. Let me know what you think.
I love you.
"Be sure to live while you’re alive" is an excellent thought which we often give no thought to. Some people think I find pleasure in things that are too simple--going for a walk and talking to the ducks, excited about sunshine in the morning, etc. But it is those simple delights that are free for anyone to enjoy if they choose to. I try not to take anything for granted because each moment is a gift from God and I don't want to miss out! I'm not perfect, and I haven't always been this way...but life is a great teacher and I'm learning! So, thanks for sharing your journey with us.
FloBe - you're welcome. And your right. There is ALWAYS something positive to focus on. It could be the smallest little thing or activity. It doesn't really matter what it is, as long as we choose to appreciate this great gift called Life.
Stan you are truly an inspiration. I met you as the funny hubber who made me laugh every time I read one of your hubs and thought that was all I knew of you. Look at you now, learning to live and love again. Welcome to the rest of your life, I'm proud to be a fellow hubber who has been down the road of depression and come out the other end. Thanks for giving others hope.
MPG - you've always been an inspiration to me as well. It feels so good to really want to live. It's impossible for me to go back to that dark place I was living in. Seems like another person and another lifetime.
Stan, This was an amazing hub. I have dealt with depression for 15 years--as a backlash of abuse. Your words ring with such HUGE truth. By your telling your story, I see my day brighter. Thank you. Thank you for making me see I don't have to be alone in dealing with the loneliness of depression. Bless you.
Thanks Diane - I appreciate you reading and taking the time to comment. Also glad to contribute to your day. Bless you back.
Thank you for sharing your experiences on this journey toward health and wholeness. Placing ones thoughts on the positive things in our life and discarding the negative thoughts definitely will get one started on the road to recovery. In addition to recovery,one finds peace and that is the greatest state of mind I believe we can all attain. May God bless you on your journey and may you be filled with His love and guidance every day of your life.
lcg - thanks so much for the encouragement and kind words. As I said, we are ultimately in control of our minds.
Have really enjoyed reading you . Pt 3 could have been written about me . Unfortunately I had to crash to get to go looking for great writing like yours. If you were able to post about the process of therapy I would be interested to read . Have enjoyed poetry as well.Any other down to earth reading would also be appreciated.
Regards
Ranch - you've inspired me to continue the series. I thought I might be done with it, but I will go into more detail on therapy. Will be posting soon. Thanks so much for reading.
It is wonderful to follow your progress. I read myself so clearly in your story. I've tried to stop my medication two weeks ago, and within 3 days I could not cope with a simple issue. Yes me, strong woman, could not cope! Time to admit to myself that I am not as strong as I thought I was. What a disappointment :))))! This time I have no choice but to stay on the meds for at least two years, said my psycho. So I compare myself daily with a diabetic. Because I WANT to live and I WANT to be happy. And I know we are on the same page with this. Take care!
When ever I see and then read anything about depresion and people that have gone through it I admire them so much for sharing their journey through this numb part of their lives. That is how I remember my depression...Numb...But I got through it too with a lot of help and support. Your article is wonderful and I thank you for writing it.
Stan ; I didn't think anyone wanted to hear from me , I am suffering from depression, even my wife , certainly not family , I spent the entire 50 plus years of the first part of life in that "mood", I once heard a song "A cowboys born with a broken heart " and I knew they wrote it for me. I'm glad I finally figured it out though. Recently I was changing my life insurance and after applying they came to me and said, "oh were sorry , you can't have the preffered rates , you're being treated for depression", And I thought well screw you too. We can never let them beat us down again! Stay well my friend....
Just Ask Susan - Thanks so much for reading and commenting. Glad to know you escaped the ddark cloud. I see from your profile that you're a 'real' writer, which is impressive to me because I want to be one as well.
Ed - glad to know you are better. I guess the insurance companies are afraid we're going to jump off of the nearest bridge at any minute. I had my own song, just like you did. Desperado by the Eagles.
Thanks so much for reading!
I read something once that made a difference to me: "It's not that you don't want to live. It's that you don't want to live LIKE THIS." I think it was on an internet suicide line. It really made me stop and think. I had been on anti-depressants for a while, now I see a really great therapist and things are getting better! Thank you for the uplifting hub. It's nice to feel a little less alone. :)
"It's not that you don't want to live. It's that you don't want to live LIKE THIS." I've heard that too. And I agree 100%. And you are not alone. There are a lot of people trying to find their way out....Thanks so much for reading.
Great read Stan, I did not understand being down or depressed until my father passed away and many other things happened in my life all at the same time. I went to the doctor and he gave me pills to cheer me up so to speak and they made me ill, so I threw them out and then it hit me, one day, that i was grieving and that it was natural and I had to go through it and I had to claw my way out of it, and so I began to write and here I am a year and a half later still writing, but not down any more. So thanks for sharing your life!
Dawn - and thanks for sharing some of yours. I really appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.....
Stan Fletcher: my man, this piece of awesome writing is proof my signing on to follow you on first finding something else of yours (I'm new) was one of the best things I did. The 3d para (incl 1st 2 lines) sums up so very much. The centerline, the choices. I'm fortunate in that what depression I've suffered has been minute compared to yours and the love of my life (now dec'd) who suffered so much. You brought him back to life and I wish you all the best. We tried so hard to find the right combo of pro help. All I could do was try to chase his demons away when they attacked in full force. I'm glad he knew I tried. I wouldn't want to be one who didn't. Take care of yourself. You are truly gifted, and we all need you. Thanks
Teylina - Hope I didn't dig up a lot of painful memories for you. I really am glad you found me and your kind words made my day. This is a rare serious piece from me, but by far my most read, which still surprises me. Thanks again....Welcome to HP btw.
Fantastic hub. Having gone through two bouts of depression I can relate to this and your other Hubs. You are a champ!!!
Glad you resonated with this, Seeker. Thanks for you comment.
I'm glad you have found things that are working for you. I don't think meds are all they are cracked up to be, after my two brief experiences with them I'd rather be depressed. And therapists are a mixed bag. I'm lucky a lot of the better ones are gifted writers and that paperbacks are cheap!
I will repeat your words. People need to realize that. It's the only solution to most of our problems.
First of all, our mind is ours to use how we wish. Our minds generate our thoughts, but we control which thoughts are generated.
Good night stan.
Darrke - agreed on both counts. You have to try quite a few meds usually to find the right one, and I've learned to only go to a PhD for counseling. Amateur or inexperienced counselors, although well-meaning, can be more damaging than helpful.
Josef - thanks for your thoughts. I hope this was helpful.
This one is amazing. Made me think of why I actually started writing again. Dreams get deferred because of depression and other derailments far too often. But, it seems that they never really go away. When I started writing again, it was because I figured something out. I didn't have to wait until I was completely "fixed" to begin living and loving and pursuing my passions. The dual mind is a rotten and evil thing. I will no longer allow myself to be held hostage by it.
Mo - glad you feel empowered. And glad you stopped by.
Thank you for this Stan.
Be sure to live while you’re alive. - I love this line!
I just stopped by, in fact I don't know how I came across you, but glad that I did because your writing seems full of humour and optimism to me. I went through depression many years ago, and got through it because buried deep inside me somewhere has always been the belief that you have to squeeze as many minutes out of everyday as you can.
Stan,
This was very encouraging. I went through a depression as well (though not quite as severe) but I totally agree with everything you're saying. Thanks for posting this hub!
Sometimes it can be hard to see how valued we are from the inside looking out. These hub comments are a testament to how meaningful your insights are. I am also traveling on that "road" and this has truly helped me in choosing which direction to go. Thanks so much.
Thanks for sharing your experiences, Stan. Perhaps you've given many of us (including me) the courage to write about our own ongoing journeys.
Randy 19 months ago
Wow! I'm so proud of you! I knew you could do it! That article sounds so much like the humorous, warm, intelligent worship leader I met at a church in Federal Way a few years ago.
Randy