"No Cussing" Ordinance in the Old West

‘Ornery Bob and Irritable Bill squared off and squinted at each other in the hot noon sun. The Old West was at its peak of Old West-ness and it looked like there was gonna’ be trouble. Ladies began to gather their children and look for suitable cover. Guns were bound to be drawn soon seein’s how ‘Ornery Bob and Irritable Bill were pretty ticked off with each other...again. They got into a skirmish at least twice a week, but so far there had been no bloodshed – just a lot of threats and cussin’ and carryin’ on. The town folk were sure glad that the sheriff had just passed a “no cussing” ordinance. Otherwise, the air would probably be blue with profanity about now. This was the first time they'd squared off since the "no cussing" ordinance took effect.

“Where did you get those boots, Ornery Bob? They look like something a schoolgirl would wear. I’ve never seen a cowboy with pink leather boots before”, said Irritable Bill as he spit out a sunflower seed.

“They ain’t pink, you doodoo head! They’s fuschia”, replied ‘Ornery Bob.

“Fuschia schmuschia! And who’s callin’ who a doodoo head? You’re the doodoo head. And furthermore, fuschia and pink are durn near the same color, I reckon.” Irritable Bill was gettin’ mighty irritable.

“Show’s what you know about colors, you sorry turd face” replied ‘Ornery Bob as he spit out a sunflower seed of his own.

“Don’t call me turd face unless you’re willin’ to square off, you miserable butt crack.” Irritable Bill was getting good at this PG-rated cussing thing.

“We’ve done squared off, you sorry butt-pimple. Don’t you even know what squarin' off means? You’re dumber than I thought, if that’s possible.”

“I’ve a mind to take this hot coffee I have in my hand here and pour it on your pants! Don’t call me dumb again unless you want a big stain on your jeans”, threatened Irritable Bill through clenched teeth.

“Just try it, you big steamin’ pile of dog dookie, and see what happens. If you spill even a drop of coffee on me I’m gonna’ drop a fire ant down the back of your shirt”, countered ‘Ornery Bob.

“Try it and see what happens, you fart wrangler. Before you even get close enough to drop your fire ant, I’ll have a nice big coffee stain on your jeans and then go one further and knock your hat off in the dirt.”

“If you knock my hat off in the dirt and stain my jeans, I hope you’re ready to have your hair good and mussed up, you sorry cow pie stepper inner.”

“You’s the one who always has a cow pie stuck to your boots! And don’t you dare touch my hair, you smelly armpit son of a biscuit. Ifn’s you do, I hope you’re ready for me to yank real hard on that tuft of ear hair that I see hangin’ out there.”

“Yank my ear hair and you might find yourself missing a few buttons off your shirt, you snake lickin’ toot smeller.”

There was a moment of silence as ‘Ornery Bob and Irritable Bill seethed, trying to think of what to say next.

“’Ornery Bob, before we continue, I just gotta’ say, “snake lickin’ toot smeller” was a real good ‘un.”

“You liked that one, did you? Just thought of it. This squarin’ off has gotten a lot harder since the no cussin’ ordinance. And by the way, I almost cracked a smile when you called me fart wrangler a minute ago.”

“Just pulled that one outta’ nowhere. Hey listen, it’s hot out here and I’m almost out of sunflower seeds. What say we head to the saloon and get a couple o’ lemonades.”

“Sounds good to me, Irritable Bill. I just don’t have it in me today either. Maybe we can square off again tomorrow.”

“That oughta’ work. I don’t have anything on my schedule. Or maybe we could just go ride our horses around or somethin’. I would hate for us to get so riled up that we ended up pullin’ our water guns on each other.”

“Nothin’ riles me up more than gettin’ soaked with a water gun.”

“I hear ya’.”

The town folk breathed a sigh of relief, and the women loosened their grip on their young ‘uns. ‘Ornery Bob and Irritable Bill were arm in arm headed for the saloon, their mouth’s watering in anticipation of a nice tall drink of lemonade.

Things were quiet once again in the Old West……until it was time for ‘Ornery Bob and Irritable Bill to square off again – probably the day after next.