The Adventures of Harry Manboobs: Part 4

Richard awoke from a sound sleep. He hadn’t gotten to bed until 3 AM, and he was so excited about the accuracy of his ButtRay that he hadn’t fallen to sleep quickly like he normally did. It was now 10 AM on December 21. Richard, aka, Harry Manboobs, hadn’t done any Christmas shopping yet and this weighed heavily on his mind. Every year Richard did his Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve, and every year he vowed to get it done earlier. He quickly decided that today was the day. He had seen an infomercial about a German toy that he wanted to get for his nephews. It was actually a board game that’s main feature was a dog that poops PlayDoh. His nephews would all love it, even though they were in their twenties. They all loved scatological humor, as did he. He was secretly excited about playing it with them on Christmas day. After a quick shower, Richard headed for Fashion Square, the biggest and baddest mall in Scottsdale. He made sure to put his pink Speedo in his jacket pocket. Crime wasn’t as prevalent in Scottsdale, but he wanted to be prepared just in case.

The mall was a zoo. People had “the look” - a combination of desperate and glazed-over that is so common in malls at this time of year. Most were looking for those last few gifts that would complete their shopping. Richard had to park in the last row on the bottom floor of the parking garage. It was time to do some man-shopping. Seek and destroy. He knew what he was after and made a beeline for the toy store. He wasn’t leaving without four PlayDoh-pooping dog games.

As it turned out, there was a huge display of these games near the entrance of the toy store. Although extremely wealthy, Harry loved a bargain and was delighted to see that they were running a special promotion. With each game purchased, the store was throwing in some free poop – two extra containers of PlayDoh. Harry quickly gathered his items and headed straight for the cashier.

“Good morning sir, did you find everything you were looking for?”

“Does a plastic dog poop PlayDoh?” Richard responded.

As was typical, Richard’s awesome sense of humor was completely lost on the cashier. This somehow made it even funnier to him. He chuckled to himself. Harry paid with his platinum American Express card and then grabbed his bags and headed to the car. He only had a few more things to buy, but decided to go to a less crowded location. This was pure procrastination on his part and he knew it, but he did have several days left to shop, he reasoned. He congratulated himself for getting any shopping done so much earlier than usual.

As busy as the mall was, the bottom floor of the parking garage was deserted. Harry could hear the sound of his five hundred dollar Italian loafers echoing off the walls. He was lost in thought about last night in the basement. “My ButtRay is incredible”, thought Richard, and then his attention was diverted by a blood curdling scream from the floor above.

“My baby! He’s got my baby!”

Richard didn’t hesitate even for a second. He quickly pulled his pink Speedo out of his jacket pocket and started ripping off his clothes, and then threw them on his car. He was in his pink Speedo faster than a plastic dog poops PlayDoh (much faster) and began to run up the slight grade of the parking garage to the next floor. The woman continued to scream about her baby being taken and he could faintly hear the sound of running feet hitting the concrete somewhere just above him. The sound of the crying baby filled the air, along with its mothers screams.

Richard was now Harry Manboobs, fighter of crime. His pink Speedo glowed. He pulled out his roll of Sprees and popped a couple into his mouth. They took immediate effect and he began to run much faster as a result. He adjusted the cell phone he carried in his Speedo, as it was pinching a bit, but he wasn’t even aware of it. There was a baby in peril, and Harry was getting ready to unleash the power of his menacing manboobs. He loudly launched into his theme song.

“Harry Manboobs, fighter of crime,

His boobs are hairy all of the time,

I’m chasin’ a baby-stealin’ man,

Can’t wait to knock him flat on his can.

Harry Manboobs, Harry Manboobs, Harry Manboobs,

Watch out, bad guys,

Here I come!”

He had just finished his super hero theme song when he emerged from the parking garage and got his first look at the perpetrator. A middle-aged white guy with long, greasy hair, running as fast as he could, which was much slower than Harry Manboobs, even on a bad day.

“Halt, or I’ll be forced to manboob you!” yelled Harry. But the perp continued to run. Harry was on him like flies on a dog turd. The first thing he did was to grab the crying baby. Harry noticed the baby was a fat Hispanic girl with a bow on her head. She already had her ears pierced. Too dang cute. By this time the screaming mother was on the scene. As Harry handed the baby to her, the perp began to run for his car – a Pontiac Aztec.

“Good Lord”, Harry thought, “that’s the stupidest looking car I’ve ever seen. I should manboob him for his choice in cars, if nothing else.”

“Halt, villain!” Harry yelled as the baby-jacker got into his car and started the engine. Harry was in a conundrum. Manboobing the criminal was now out of the question, and as fast as Harry was, he knew he wouldn’t be able to catch the car on foot. “The ButtRay!” Harry whispered under his breath.

As the car’s tires began to squeal, Harry got into position to fire the ButtRay. A new verse for his super hero theme song hit him like a bolt out of the blue, and he began to sing.

“Harry Manboob, fighter of crime,

His boobs are hairy all of the time,

I’m glad I’m here to save this babay,

It’s time to use my awesome ButtRay,

Harry Manboobs, Harry Manboobs, Harry Manboobs,

Watch out, bad guy,

Here it comes!”

Harry now had the Aztec sighted in and yelled “ButtRay – Activate!” in his best super hero voice. Then he let fly with a perfect fart. He couldn’t have asked for a better fart for the occasion. It was short and to the point. Some would call it curt.

The ButtRay worked perfectly. There was a flash of light from Harry’s Speedo, and then the Aztec vanished, perpetrator and all. All that was left was a spinning hubcap. “Good riddance”, thought Harry. “The world is minus one baby-jacker…and a Pontiac Aztec. My ButtRay is judge, jury, and executioner. What an awesome responsibility.”

As Harry turned to walk back to his car, the sobbing mother approached, carrying her chubby offspring, who had stopped crying. She approached Harry to give him a hug of appreciation, but noticing his glistening, menacing manboobs, she decided to shake his hand instead.

“How can I thank you, Harry Manboobs? You have saved little Esmerelda’s life.”

“No thanks are necessary ma’am. I’m Harry Manboobs, fighter of crime, and this is what I do.”

Being someone who loves babies, Harry reached out of pat Esmerelda on the head, but the baby started crying again when she saw Harry’s manboobs. Harry realized that no young child should be exposed to them. Adults couldn’t even handle them for the most part.

“Take good care, ma’am”, said Harry as he began to walk back to his car.

A new verse to his super hero theme song came to him as he walked.

“Harry Manboob, fighter of crime,

His boobs are hairy all of the time,

Saving fat babies is one of my things,

Especially when they’re wearing earrings,

Harry Manboobs, Harry Manboobs, Harry Manboobs,

Watch out, bad guys,

Here I come!”

Hmmm. Some versions of his theme song were better than others.

TO BE CONTINUED……