The Stapler (Drama in the Office)

Stapler looked around warily at the desktop and slowly lifted his gaze to the door of the office. It had been a hard day, and he was glad that the Human had left the room for a while. BANG! - the memory was too recent. The Human seemed extra tense today. He was murmuring something about taxes and had a lot of paperwork scattered around the desk. But every so often it was time to organize a few pieces and Stapler waited for another smack on the head. BANG! Was the human ever going to get his work done and leave the room? It didn’t seem like it. BANG! “Damn, that hurts”, thought Stapler, but of course he couldn’t say a word, mostly because he had no mouth.

Things were quiet now. There was the distant sound of the TV in the background and Stapler could hear a beer can popping open every 20 minutes or so. He was hoping that the human wouldn’t come back into the office later tonight. When he was drunk, he was extra rough. Last week, Tape got his roll completely emptied, and he had not been refilled yet.

Stapler looked at him with a combination of pity and disgust. A tape dispenser with no tape. Worthless. At least he had a few staples left. Stapler was hoping to be refilled soon. He remembered back about a year ago when he had run out of staples and been thrown across the room in frustration. He slammed into Filing Cabinet and took a small chink of paint off of him. Filing Cabinet had not let him forget it. The big oaf.

Cup-Full-of-Pencils was just staring at him. What an idiot. They all knew that Stapler had it the worst on a day like today. Cup-Full-of-Pencils thought it was funny. Every time he heard the BANG, Cup-Full-of-Pencils snickered under his breath. Stapler held him in deep contempt. Cup didn’t even have a real purpose. He just held other stuff that actually functioned. Cup was the dumbest on the desk and everyone knew it.

Especially the damned Computer. What an arrogant ass he was! He had recently begun actually speaking like the Human. It sounded a little weird, but it was definitely in the same language that the human used. If the damn thing wasn’t already arrogant enough before, it sure as hell was now. He and Modem and Printer were all in a tight little group. The elite of the desktop. Back in the day Stapler’s ancestors had been the king of the hill, although Stapler’s grandpa had a strained relationship with Typewriter, but for the most part they worked it out.

Stapler knew there was no such truce with Computer, especially now that he could talk.

As Stapler contemplated his place on the desktop, he heard something that he hoped he wouldn’t hear. A loud belch followed by the sound of the TV going off and then….footsteps. And they were getting louder. The human wasn’t going to bed. He was coming back to the office. And he was drunk.

Immediately after entering the room the Human starting cursing and rummaging around in the pile of unorganized paperwork. He was in a rage. BANG! Another staple found it’s mark. Bang! They were coming in rapid succession now. BANG! BANG! BANG! And then a string of profanity. The Human was picking up Stapler and this couldn’t be good. Stapler knew from the sound of the last bang that the unthinkable had happened. He had a staple jammed up tight, and it hurt like the dickens.

The Human was working him over good with Letter Opener trying to remove the stubborn, bent staple, but to no avail. This went on for at least a minute and the pain was excruciating. Stapler was starting to fade.

He knew this jammed staple might be his last. He was afraid of the worst fate for any stapler anywhere. He felt it in his bones. He knew somewhere deep down that he wasn’t going to be reloaded.

He knew he was getting ready to meet someone that no one in the office ever wanted to meet or have anything to do with. The psychotic weirdo that lived in perpetual darkness under the desk.

Trash Can.