Why Aren't I More Successfuller?
72I can’t seem to figure out why I’m not more successfuller than I are. I shave, shower, and know how to dress, but I can’t even get a job, much less rise up onto the corporal latter. I used mouthwash and brush and floss my teats at least onced per week, and yet nobody has yet seemed to be impressed with myself. Maybe it’s something about my dameaner. But I don’t think I’m any meaner than most other peoples that I have ran into. Perhaps it’s the car that I have droven to the interviews. My AMC Pacer runs as good as the day that it was boughten. But I guess that those people who are not giving me a job haven’t understanded that you don’t have to drive a fancy Australian car like a BMW to be more successfuller. Arrogants is not something I’m in agreeance with at all. It’s not what you drive to your job place, but how much more betterer that you work than your other people that work with you alongside that counts.
You might be surprised to no that I didn’t finish high school. I barely made it out of the ate grade. There was a lot of my teachers that said I needed to work on my spelling and my grammer. I can only spaculate that this might have had to due with the gram crackers in my lunch box. But mom said that grammer is a way that smart people talk more righter. My teachers said that until I could talk a lot more betterer that my job prospectors would probably be a little on the opposite of good. That means bad usually. I know that because I learned a long time ago that opposite means the exact difference of the thing that you are talking about right now like if you were talking about apples you could say the opposite was oranges. Or like the opposite of a cat is a dog. The opposite of high is down. Down is also the remains of a goose that people stuff into their pillows. Down means more than one thing. Much like hair. Hair can mean a hair on your head or an ear hair. Those are also opposites too.
I recently filled out an applicator for a job at a paper plant. The hiring person didn’t like when I said to her that plants were usually not made out of paper and the reason I said that was because I thought it was a trick and that I should say what a smart person like I would say. Mom said that they probably made plants out of paper at that place and that I gave the wrong answer. I have never seen a paper plant yet but I look forward to it even though I won’t be making any of those myself I guess any time soon because that lady said that I needed to leave. I really wanted that job two as they had a TV in the brake room.
I would really like to get my GED and go into a higher educational place or area like a collage or a trade school or another place where people learn stuff that makes them more successfuller like I would like to be but am not yet at this time. I started to work on my GED this morning but didn’t get passed the first question. It said “name”. This stumped me because it didn’t say what I was supposed to give a name to. I decided to leave it blank. My dogs name is Jake, but I don’t know for sure if that was the right answer and I didn’t want to start off my higher educational apparatus by putting my dog down as the first answer to a question that was not more clearer to me. Mom said not to guess at the answers because even if I get it right I still don’t know any more answers then when I started out. I probably should have put Jake and kept going but I want to be a rocket scientist some day and they don’t guess at there answers two much because when they do rockets end up going into places that they aren’t supposed to go. Like buildings and other tall constrictions. I want my rockets to go to the right places. Mostly up.
Mom said that maybe I would maybe like to set my sites somewhere lowerer than my admiration of being a rocket scientist, like maybe driving a truck or a car for other people that have other things that they do that need people to drive trucks or cars for. Like a deliverer. I would enjoy driving around and being a deliverer of other things that need deliverance like paper plants and other stuff that need to get out of where they were made and into other places where the people who paid for them are being successful too. I could deliver pizzas even to these more successfuller people and they would be even more successfuller because its hard to be a lot more gooderer than your contemplation when your hungrier than they are.
For now though it has just been a really good thing to right all this out and hopefully here back from many of you who are more successfuller than I are. Maybe you have noticed something about me that is keeping my successfulhood down. I’ve filled out many applicators and no one is calling me back. If you can help me with both of my things which are getting a job or getting my education more higher then I would appreciate if you would let me know by righting out some wise commints in the spaces below here, or underneath as some would call it. Below is sometimes called underneath, which is the opposite of overneath I guess, but not apple.
My head is starting to ache from all of this grammerizing so I think I will stop now and go find and aspirin and some milk so that I can swallow it and make the aspirin dissolve into my brain area where it will make my headache stop more than it does now.
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Seriously the funniest stuff I have ever red! I sware you must be frum Tennusee!
Dude, I need some tylenol now after trying to read that!! (I was an English major in college- needless to say "OUCH!!! My brain hurts!!")
Stan,
This is funny...
Well sort of
Fortunatey I know you as a quality writer, so I could read this for fun, but this is the kind of garbage I get to read as an educator, and even worse, as an SAT essay grader - FOR REAL
Young adults, the world at their fingertips, unable to communicate in their first language.
I enjoyed the humor, and in the back of my mind was your text lit up like a Christmas tree as Grammar and Spell check went into overdrive, which made it funnier.
Iye Larfed Owt Lowd!
Chris
Thank ewe Bpop. Maybe I will be more successfuller soon.
Means a lot coming from a really funny dude like you Nate.
2smart - with a name like 2smart, I would like to hang out with you and see if some of your brains would osmosify themselves into my area where my brains are.
Chris - perhaps because that you are in the educational area, you could use this peace as an example of some ways to write stuff and show your students how they can grammerize words together. I'm sure they would express there deep apprehension to you for doing so as I have suggested here in this area.
arndt2smart is rite, San. Dis iz hardt 2 red. Ineeds somptin 4 dis magor hedaak dat u mad me hav.
U r a men puson.
I hat u.
Luv,
Lowul
PS: UPS, I men Staan! Sowy! ;)
Stan - Ever scence you started skool, even as early as Kindergarden, I knew your jurny was going to be full uv grate educashunal endevers. I am sew very proud of yew. Sumday yew will shurely bee faymus.
Mom.
Well unfortunately, this is so true. To make it worse; some employers can't spell correctly in regards to job postings.
Ho Stam.
yue ar rightin vary funy arseticles, tat mak a lot o sence. Wy dohent yue epply to bee teacher off ennglash letterature lake I ded, orr mebbee yue get job as palitishins speesh righter. yue mai be unlitarat, but yue mak more betterr sence.
Your in a sad state. I don't figure we think ya good fer much if yer cant read nor write. Probly downrite hopeless. Maybe farming is fer ya.
This would make for a great monologue. Maybe you should build a character around it. You're a funny guy Stan y estas loco...Merry Christmas to you and your family, JR
Stan, I would like a dozen of those pills you just took?
My boss keeps writing "every once" when she means to write "everyone's". It drives me crazyerrer! Just like U!
But I did laugh...
O gosh, this was a great laugh! You’re so funny! You’ve just made my day – I love to leave home for work laughing...
But
It is very dangerous for an Afrikaans speeking girl like me to reed such very bad Inglish, for now I tink its da right way 2 rite da Inglish tale, end its already a very much (mr. D mr. I mr. F F I mr. C mr. U mr. L T Y) difficulty tale to reed end rite.
Lol! Have a wonderful day.
I thinks you is trying so hard at geting betterer you will do it proper if you keeps doing it. As they say try and try and try and try and try again, if at 1st you suceed then don't try anymore. They says, not me...
You knows a lot on oposites, especaily apples, great writings!
That was one of the funniester tings me have readed in a big time. Thanks!
My wife ran a resume typing service back in the early days of word processing. As she also had a part time job with a head hunter, she offered minor rewriting services for those resumes.
One day we got a handritten resume. The objective raised our eyebrows. I don't know if I have it 100% (I wish we had saved it) but it was very close to this:
"I want to work at a company where I can use my real good communication skills"
I felt that we should leave it as it was, on the theory that any potential employer needed to see this stellar example. My wife, a kinder and gentler soul, insisted upon changing it.
Amazing, you must have had a really hard time writing this, or at least I HOPE YOU DID.... very funny, but unfortunately living in Penang, I hear bad English daily, indeed I have had to start interpreting what folk say here before I form any conclusion as to what I THINK they may be saying.
Okay, Stan, that was funny only because I know you are funny but I had a very hard time reading it because proper spelling and grammar are a big pet peeve of mine! I have to go take a breather now, I'm a little tense... LOL!
Lorlie - sorry about the headache, and you misspelled a couple of words I think.
Thanks mom. It's in the jeans. That didn't sound very nice.
Annette - you're so right. Poor spelling makes companies look D-U-M!
Christopher - I would teach people about litterature but mom taught me never to litter or maybe you meant to teach people not to litter which I would like to do for a job.
P99 - I know a lot of farmers who seem to have highered their education more than I have done. But that is a good idea that I will ask mom about.
JR - Merry Christmas to you too. I didn't realize they had Christmas in your foreign country that you live in. A monolog sounds good I guess but I will ask mom what it is. She doesn't like me cutting wood so I hope its not made of wood or I would be afraid that mom wouldn't let me cut myself.
Austin - I will give you some of my pills. I call them pills too for a joke because they are Sprees that I like to eat all day with Mom. She doesn't eat them she hands them to me one at a time so that I don't choke like last time when I tried to eat the whole package at once. (And your boss should be flogged for that error. That is completely asinine and would infuriate me to no end.)
I think I have an answer for you. Join a union. You'll fit in there and be on your way.
Martie - A lot of people seam to laff when I write things out on paper or computers like I have did here. I think you spelled some words wrong two like I used to due before I learnt how to spell words that I use in sentences like this one.
Dawn - opposites are things that I am really good at knowing about a lot. Like the opposite of TV is radio. And the opposite of corn is okra. Things like those examples of opposites that I know are what mom says makes me specialer than some other people maybe like you.
Susan - I am glad that the funny you have readed here was funny to you here. Mom said you were making fun of me but I don't believe her all the time unless she is teaching me about opposites.
PCunix - your example demonstrates where I was going with this one. Exaggerated a bit of course. But I've never worked anywhere where at least one person couldn't put a sentence together to save their life. And it IS funny.
Aqua - yep, this was difficult to write. I tried to stay in character and say what 'he' would say throughout, but oftentimes this kind of stuff is hard to make up because usually the truth is funnier than fiction. There are some real-life examples of this kind of thing that are even funnier. Like Austin's example above.
Lily - sorry to make you tense, but I get it. It made me tense to write it too.
Sheila - You is not the first people to suggest that suggestion. There are many out there who make a lot of money who can't put a gooder sentence together than me and then we all are wondering why big companies have to go overseas to make prophets. That was a gooder idea though than some of moms ideas and I will try to find a union place for me to work at.
Jew no, it ez nowt foney dat jew do nowt spell rrrite. Okay that's enough with my spanish accent. But your point has been well made and in humor as is always your style :)
Stan my man, as I've said many times before, ESTAS LOCO! And still in character! LLu mek mi raff! Feliz Navidad! ;)
I dunno, Stan. Why are the peeple commenting making such meen remarks at you. I understood every singel word you rote. Your commandment of the English langwage is betterer than sum of the peeple riting in reel riting jobs. Don't let them get you down. and I dont mean like the stuff dux have. U R my hero. and I dont mean like a sub sanwidge. :)
Also I think you have found your nitch.
You are a great writer very funny.
Well, I think the smart thing to do here considering the distance that we already are down this dirt road that we are on is for you to order that Rosetta Stone course and begin studying a second language. Being bilingual cannot hurt you at all at this stage of the game. In fact, once you have completed the course, let me suggest that you go to your job interviews and use you second language...I think that would be a refreshing change of pace! WB
Such a fun read - here's one suggestion to avoid. My manager had to read us part of a resume received. When asked why she left her previous job, she put "laid office". Never good to reveal.
Good luck :)
lcg - thanks for stopping by!!
jr - Feliz Navidad back at you.
DRBJ - thanks for the kind words. You mentioned I had found my niche....I'm seriously curious. What niche is that? Writing? or writing like this hub?
Gr8 - thanks so much for stopping by and taking the time to comment.....
Wayne - lerning a second language is something that I would have did a long time ago but mom said that I needed to learn this one first. I've did that now, so now I will ask her again now. Maybe you could give me some lessons in some foreign words that I could start on. I already no "taco", "burrito" and "hot sauce". But I want to no more than just three.
Linda - your comment had me LOLing. Truth be told, I almost ROFLed on myself. That is hilarious! The truth is stranger, and funnier, than fiction. It's also funny because 'laid office' seems like a great way to keep your job....
"Laid office" sounds like a good way to get a raise or a promotion or an STD too!
I think drbj means your niche is comedy writing!
Here's some new words for you:
chalupa
nacho
free holeys
How about this one...."La Quinta"....translated into English it means...."next to Denny's". LOL! WB
Austin - wow. Thanks for the free words. I'll start using them right away...
Wayne - LOL, and funnier because I think it's actually true...
Stan you really are a nutcase.. it's why I love reading your hubs. I'll hire you any day by the way!
I get all your words in my brain. You shape them into sentences and paragraphs like nobody else shapes your words into sentences and paragraphs. They speak to me, especially in my sleep but sometimes I wake up screaming because they speak real loud when they should be whispering. It's all good, I think.
Well that was funny to read and proves to me you can write just about anthing here at hubpage I'm new to this hubbing though I've been a member for over a year now,its only now I'm getting started, looking forward to reading more of your hubs
Jasmine - I would love to work at that place. Mom said don't ask for a celery and just for me to work by the hour. I can even work more than one hour a day if the person who tells me what to do asked me two.
I would be happy to fill out the applicator as soon as possible. Does they have a brake room there? Does it have a TV? Thanks for the incurajment.
Nicomp - I have lots of words in my brain two Mom says that smart people like I have words in our brains that we can write or tipe out for people to read and help to no how smart we can be when our words come out. You are smart two it sounds like because of the words that I see here from you are from your brain two I think. Your mom is probly smart two and will help you get a job two if you need one I think do you have a paper plant close to your place where you live?
Griffy - I are excited that you are reading my hubs two. Mom said the best way for you to ketchup on all of my words is two take a weak off from your work place and tell them you are sick so that you can read all of my stories and words that I have put on hear. I are not this dumb on a daily basis, but once I start tiping words like this its hard for me to stop now but mom says my Malt-o-Meal is done cooking now and I better eat it now so it wont get cold and then I have to tipe some more words on here that maybe you can read while your off from your work place
Plants are made of plant, not paper. I new I was smarter than you who wrote that question!
Thank you Mr. Comp for clearing that up for me. I KNEW they weren't not made of paper. But then again there sine said paper plants on the outside of there building. Someone is confused and I think that is them people at the paper plant. Plants are made of plant I agree.
Thanks to you for taking your busy time to respond to me yet again. That is the indication of a fine human being.
We have plant plants in my area as well. They smell funny sometimes and other times they smell even funnier. We laugh a lot.
We would like to move away from the plant plants but there is a voice that tells us to stay here in our head.
Mr. Comp. I feel bad that you are stuck there because of those voices. I am responding again more. You have sent more words, so I will send back more words so that you know that I'm not only fine but finerer than some other people that don't pay any attention to you. I like your horse two and mom said I can get a horse when I get a job. Not a real horse though. I think its a stick horse but thats betterer than the horse I have now which is none.
Yes, get a horse, but do not ride him past the plant because they make food from horses, or more horses, or something like that. The plant next door to my houses takes in all kind of road killed animals including turtles, opossums, rabbits, deer, squirrels, chipmunks, snakes, elk, butterflies, vultures, birds of pray, and other kinds of turtles, then they make food for dogs and cats in little bags.
I mean, the food is in little bags, not the dogs and cats.
I have to go now. It is dinner time.
Nicomp - thanks for telling me about them making horses at horse plants because that is not something that my brain area was used to knowing about. I'm glad I'm not a dog or cat because I don't like to eat any of that stuff except opossums. Mom is cooking one now I think.
You are lucky that you're Mom cooks for you. We used to have a dog, cat, hamster, gerbil, marmoset, chinchilla, python, paraqueet, rabbit, turtle, capybara, and another turtle. Them Mom cooked a meal and they were all gone. She said they want to live on a farm.
I am glad that they is on a farm and that your mom didn't cook them for your dinner because that would be bad to eat a turtle because mom said they have hard shells. I like hard shells on my tacos but not on my turtles. I am glad to have a friend like you mom says that we must have about the same eye Q and she is happy I have a friend. I stuck a Q-tip in my eye and mom said I don't have a very high eye Q but I think that might be gooder than a high one. Do you stick Q tips in your eye sometimes like me? thats why mom makes me wear my glasses now, even in the shower.
You are lucky that you get to take a shower. We have to have a bath with the tub that holds the swimming pets, except for the turtles that went to live on the farm.
I would like to take a bath with the swimming pets unless there are snapping turtles in there that I can't see because sometimes I pour all of the Mister bubbel in there with me and I can't see what the snapping turtles are biting or what they have bitten already but it sounds like they are now on the farm. Have you ever been bited by one of the swimming pets? I hope your OK and have not had to go in a ambulance. Mom wont let me por out my own Mister bubbel anymore.
Stan-I cain see yer problem right off.
Ya ain't gotten no accent.
Yer grammerizin' is top a da notches, but, sirs, ya's gotsta have'n accent. Peopels do this here thing called descrigiminatin' against peoples they think r dam yankees. You be soundin' a bit ta highs an mightiers, pro'lly 'cause ya studyd all that grammerization, and now meybe ya be feelin' like ya's better'n the peeple meken plants outta paper?
I knows ya don't meen to look down on otter peeples, itd pro'lly be yer mom that's gotcha thinkin' yer oposit 'a down.
I say ya goes BACK to that theer paper plant makin' place, an tells them ya don't rightly know'd how they ceen do somtin' so speecial asta meek plants outta paper, butcha been practicin' an ya hope ya can do 'em rite.
Yer a good man, I ken tell by yer grammerization and yer determeenation that you be some once who is gonna be super-duper sucksessfull.
Good luck ta ya!
333 - I will go back to that paper plant and say to them what you have said here to me and see if they can give me the opposite of not a job.
...
Funny stuff yet again, dood. It's a downright shame that you ren't doing monologues for Letterman, Ferguson, or the other guys. You really are extremely talented.
This piece though, AAAAUUUUGH! It maid mai brane meat sore! Heh.
Surly - your observation is almost painful to me, in that there is nothing I would rather do for an occupation than write for one of the late night guys or SNL. I'm simply at a loss for what steps to take to get that done. I love to make people laugh. And I appreciate you being one of them.
Very funny, Stan!
My mother grew up in rural Indiana and Illinois in the late 19th and early 20th centuries. She said that possibly the worst sentence, grammatically, she ever heard was from a classmate when accused of some infraction:
"I ain't never did no sech of a do."
Nellie - that is a classic! Can't wait to send that quote on to my mom and sis. The three of us have a weakness for redneck humor. We were surrounded by rednecks in the Texas panhandle, and consequently we were always laughing!! Thanks for passing this one along.
I'm a native Texan and I do know what you mean. What's so great about my state is that there are at LEAST 5 different areas within it and each with its own lingo. It hardly matters how much education and prestige any of us acquire, there's at least some lingering stuff. The older Bush ex-president was being interviewed recently - he says "bidness" (business), "hunert" (hundred) and other Texasisms. And Nolan Ryan is wayyyy extreme. Now I may be the exception. . . . hehehehe (I'm fixin' to go document that!)
Nellie - I was born in Waco and lived the first 17 years of life in a little panhandle town called Gruver. Google map it. My point is that I too am very familiar with Texanspeak - maybe the most entertaining form of English there is....
breakfastpop Level 8 Commenter 17 months ago
I canned not unnerstand y yu havent bin moor successfuller. I thiink yu arr so smort!