Why Icelandic People Aren't Good Marketers

You would have to live in a cave not to have heard about the Icelandic volcano and the havoc it is wreaking on European air travel. NBC’s running title for the story is ‘Chaos in the Skies’. Pretty dramatic. And overstated. The problem is that there is no longer any chaos in the skies. At this point, a little chaos that was actually in the sky would be an improvement. How about ‘Body Odor in the Airport’ for a tag line? I’m sure it must smell like a rotting camel carcass in some of those airports by now. Particularly in the counties where it’s normal for women to have hairy armpits.

But I digress. How stupid can Icelandic people really be? They had a prime opportunity to sell a lot of T-shirts and other consumer items emblazoned with the name of their volcano. Instead, they chose to name it Eyjafjallajokull. What? Who the hell can pronounce that? Even Icelandic people can’t pronounce it – they just point at it and call it ‘that one’.

I know a lot more about Icelanders than most of you, so I am writing this from a position of knowledge and authority. My college roommate during my freshman year was an Icelander. Halldor was his name. Yes, just like the names of parts of your house. Hall. Door.

I talked to Halldor today. He is sitting out in a lawn chair in his backyard watching the volcano spew as he cooks a Yak burger on the barby. Or whatever it is that they eat over there. It’s only 25 below zero so he’s probably wearing his shorts.

As we talked I asked him if he had thought about selling some volcano T-shirts. “I Survived Eyjafjallajokull” or “Eyjafjallajokull Blows”. He agreed that it was a bad idea. I asked him why in the hell his ancestors didn’t name it something a little more marketable, like “Thandar” or “Goonbar” or “Thor, the Volcano”. He didn’t have an answer and seemed irritated by the question, so I hung up.

I then got on the computer and came up with some cool T-shirts that would have sold like mad, if only it had been named something else.

For folks in the airports in Europe…

“Thandar Screwed Up My European Vacation”

“We All Lose as Thandar Spews”

“I Would Rather Have My Head Crammed Into Thandar’s Sulfur Cloud Than Smell Your Hairy Armpits”

“Smells Like Ash in Here”

“Thandar One, Airplanes Zero”

“Thandar Was Almost Named Eyjafjallajokull…Just Kidding”

For Icelanders…

“Thandar…Not Your Father’s Volcano”

“Is that Thandar or Did You Leave Your Whale Blubber on the Stove?”

“Thandar – Thanks for Putting Us On The News for Once!”

“Thandar is Now Exporting Our Only Product”

I’ll stop there. I don’t want to get too mean. Halldor might row over here with a whole pack of angry Icelanders and throw a cauldron of boiling whale blubber on me.

Please add your T-shirt ideas below. Halldor will be reading this.